Áilín Quinlan: How to spot the type of man who sets out to control your life

Another day, another case before the Irish courts.

A man had battered his pregnant partner.

The details of the attack, just one more in the long litany of violence against women in this country, left me shuddering.

It’s happening every day. It’s literally non-stop.

The sheer horror of the murder of Daena Walsh in Midleton, left with 25 knife wounds to her face, abdomen, chest and neck, as well as partially amputated arm, in a burning apartment two years ago remains etched on our memories.

What is going on in this country?

One in four women experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.

Gardaí respond to an incident of domestic violence every 16 minutes.

About a third of domestic abuse starts during pregnancy.

In 90% of incidents, children are in the same room or close by while a woman is being beaten.

It’s accepted that domestic violence is extremely prevalent, but the existing statistics, based as they are on reports, are unreliable, because so many women never seek help.

So now the Central Statistics Office, and Cuan, the State agency for domestic, sexual and gender-based violence, are working together on a huge new survey on domestic violence, the results of which are expected in about two years’ time.

In the meantime, if you suspect that you or someone you know is on the receiving end of controlling behaviour from a male partner, it might be worth learning to recognise some of the red flag tactics.

Interestingly, although much of the research into domestic violence to date has focused on the characteristics of women who end up in abusive relationships, author and relationship counsellor Don Hennessy believes it’s actually very much about the kind of man who preys on them.

Women become trapped in abusive relationships, he says, simply because a skilled offender has decided to target them.

In his book, How He Gets Into Her Head; The Mind Of The Male Intimate Abuser, Hennessy discusses some characteristics of the male intimate abuser.

He has very strong beliefs.

He has a driving need to be in control.

He expects his needs to be prioritised in the relationship.

He feels entitled to have his needs met.

He believes his needs outweigh any cost to a prospective partner, who must be willing to allow him to be in control.

He is never open or honest with his partner in any way.

For him, says Hennessy, kindness in a woman is a crucial attribute (because she must be somebody who will always put his needs first.)

Abusers come in two categories, Hennessy believes.

The unskilled or careless offender may be abusive and violent with his partner, resulting in relationship breakdown, because he hasn’t got the essential control mechanisms properly in place.

The skilled offender, however, can quickly and accurately assess the level of control he can maintain, as well as the potential negative consequences for him if he behaves inappropriately.

He befriends the woman’s mind. That doesn’t sound too scary, now, does it?

But it’s very scary.

He profiles her. He quietly observes and evaluates how she interacts with others. How she speaks about family and friends. Her empathy levels.

He learns many crucial things about her by observing and evaluating how her kindness manifests in terms of the way she talks about or reacts to the needs of others.

He learns about her domestic and family situation, and whether she has previously experienced abuse. He stores away all this helpful information.

If he feels she’s too assertive or self-focused to put his needs first, he may well find another target.

If she meets his criteria, he’ll start the grooming process immediately (often by getting the woman to direct some of that kindness and empathy to him).

The grooming process has too many steps for this piece to adequately cover, but here are some of the initial stages:

The abuser makes the woman responsible for the emotional temperature of the relationship and blames her for any small difficulties.

He starts to break her down by changing her sense of perspective in terms of reframing inappropriate behaviour as normal, destroying her emotional boundaries, undermining her positive attributes, and emphasising any negative ones.

If she takes pride in her cooking, for example, he questions the quality of her meals; if she’s stylish, he questions her dress sense. If, on the other hand, she feels inadequate about her cooking or fashion sense, he will wholeheartedly endorse this belief.

He criticises her personality – if she is quiet, she’s scorned for being shy, if she’s outspoken, she’s ridiculed for being brash.

It’s all about subtle intimidation and establishing control.

And on it goes ’til he has her exactly where he wants her.

How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind Of The Male Intimate Abuser, by Don Hennessy. Published by Atrium.