Trevor Laffan: I was avoiding talking to dementia sufferers, so I sought advice

Have you ever been in a situation where you met someone you knew well, but were afraid to talk to them because they had dementia?

Afraid in case you might be putting them under pressure while they tried to figure out who you were or where they knew you from?

I have been that soldier. I avoided the person, and I didn’t feel good about it afterwards.

There was someone I knew well who had Alzheimer’s. His partner would often take him for a walk. He would sit on a bench while she went for a short stroll, never leaving his side for too long.

On a couple of different occasions while out walking myself, I saw him in the distance, sitting quietly on his own. As I got nearer to him, I began to feel uncomfortable. I worried that if I said hello, it might upset him if he couldn’t recognise me. And what would I do if he just stared at me?

I didn’t know whether to take a chance and stop for a chat, or just leave him alone. I decided if I saw some flicker of recognition or any hint of a smile, I would sit with him. If I saw nothing, I would just keep going on my way.

Invariably, there was only a blank stare and I did my usual. I chickened out and walked on.

I’ve baulked with hospital visits too. Some friends over the years with advanced dementia ended up in care and they were off limits to me.

I couldn’t face the thought of of us sitting there just staring at each other, not knowing what to say.

I justified this cop-out by convincing myself that I wanted to remember them as they were. That’s not much of an excuse.

Dementia is all around us so I’m going to find myself in similar situations again, and I don’t think I’m the only one.

With that in mind, I need to learn how to deal with it. I couldn’t keep running away, so it was time to consult the experts, and who better to talk to than The Alzheimer Society of Ireland?

I spoke to a volunteer who reassured me that I wasn’t the only person taking the easy way out. Far from it, she explained, it was a very common reaction.

She told me it wasn’t unusual for people to cross to the other side of the road to avoid meeting a neighbour with dementia.

That made me feel a bit better about myself.

When I told her about my friend sitting alone on the bench, she said I would have been better advised to wait for his wife to return before approaching him.

That seems obvious now, but I didn’t think of that at the time, and that’s the crux of the matter. Many of us are living in ignorance; we don’t know what to do.

There are currently 64,000 people in Ireland living with dementia and there are more than 200 different types of the disease. Alzheimer’s is the most common form, and the society have advice for us when it comes to communicating with dementia sufferers.

For starters, stand or sit where they can see and hear you as clearly as possible - usually this will be in front of them - and with your face well-lit. Try to be at eye-level with them, rather than standing over them, and make eye contact as you would with anyone.

This can make it easier for them to understand and follow discussions, so they can participate and feel less isolated.

Try to get their full attention before you start. Make sure they are ready for a conversation. For example, make sure they are comfortable and check they are not hungry or thirsty.

Allow time between sentences for the person to process the information and respond. Let them complete their own sentences without interrupting, even if you think you know what they are trying to say.

Include them in conversations with others. It is important not to speak as though they are not there. Being included can help them to keep their sense of identity and know they are valued.

If they don’t understand what you’re saying, even after you repeat it, try saying it in a slightly different way. Too much information at once can be overwhelming.

Try to stick to one idea or subject at a time. If they are finding it hard to understand, try breaking down what you’re saying into smaller chunks.

Listen carefully to what the person is saying. Offer encouragement, both verbally and non-verbally. Non-verbal encouragement could be making eye contact and nodding. This ‘active listening’ can help improve communication.

If they are having difficulty finding the right word or finishing a sentence, ask them to explain it in a different way. Listen and look out for clues.

If they cannot find the word for a particular object, ask them to describe it instead.

If you can’t understand what they have said, think about what they may be trying to express. They may just need reassurance or comfort in that moment.

If they are upset, let them express their feelings. Allow them the time they need, and don’t dismiss their worries - sometimes the best thing to do is just listen and show that you are there.

This is only the tip of the iceberg. The Alzheimer Society of Ireland website is full of valuable information and advice.

They have a very professional helpline and run courses for carers or for relatives and friends who want to know more about dealing with patients.

Educating ourselves on how to communicate with sufferers instead of avoiding them is a better option.