What it’s like as a guest on Tommy Tiernan’s chat show

I will admit that when RTÉ first made contact with me and asked me to be a guest on The Tommy Tiernan Show, I thought they had got it wrong.

“You can’t mean me,” I said politely. “I’m a writer, not a famous film star, pop legend, or sports icon. You want the well-known names and faces, ones that viewers will recognise instantly.”

No, no, they said, what we are always looking for are interesting people with something to say, a story to tell, a point of view to explain. You’re exactly what we want.

Well, they were persuasive, and I gave in.

On the day we filmed, I got the train to Dublin, and a car was waiting to collect me at Heuston (hey, I could get used to this treatment!).

I was whisked to RTÉ, where it was necessary to wait in the car out of sight until someone came out to smuggle me in through a side door. (For your information, it is absolutely true that the host Tommy Tiernan knows nothing whatsoever beforehand about who is entering his charmed circle. It’s the way he wants it, and they make sure that not even a quick glimpse punctures that veil of secrecy.)

Within those hallowed walls, I was swiftly conducted to a delightful little private dressing room, tiny, but superbly equipped with mirror, sofa, shelves, coat, and dress hangers, a miniature en suite bathroom, and, most endearingly, a basket of fruit, biscuits, chocolate.

All just for me to relax and get ready, and change into something elegant as befits the Saturday night prime TV slot. (Yes, I could definitely get used to this treatment!)

Just down the corridor was the Green Room, where I was invited to join the backstage team and the other guests for that show. Which I did.

The really nice thing about it all was how welcoming and friendly everybody was. Every single member of that team went out of his or her way to put me at ease, chat, offer coffee, answer questions. It was like being in a really nice club.

There were big screens on the walls everywhere, so you could see the recording going on, and it was fascinating to watch live TV only a studio wall away!

But then one of the team guided me upstairs to the make-up department. Dozens of swivel chairs faced dozens of mirrors, and experts were on hand with enough cosmetics to stock a major store.

I got into a chair, draped in protective cotton (don’t want to get that nice velvet jacket mussed up, do we?), and quite an incredible amount of work ensued just to ensure I didn’t look shiny or (perish the thought) stressed.

I explained that I didn’t want the full ‘slap’, but rather the skilful ‘non-made-up’ look, and that was no problem.

You wouldn’t believe how much work it takes to get you looking normal and calm and relaxed and un-made-up under those studio lights! Base layer, highlighters, lash curlers, cheekbones, neckline - it must have taken half an hour before the charming lady was satisfied and I could be escorted back to the green room again where they immediately complimented me on how well I looked. What a nice bunch!

But it was getting close to the end of the previous interview, with the opening guest, comedian Alison Spittle, then came the ads break. Somebody reassuring was on hand to guide me through the security doors and round the back of the set. Even here there were several staff waiting to doublecheck that I was miked up correctly, to adjust the set of my jacket, even to brush my hair one more time and run a powder puff over my face.

I was guided through the Stygian darkness (be careful, don’t trip over all these cables) and I heard my name being announced. “On you go, girl!” A gentle push and I was on set.

Walking round, stepping up on to that little circular stage, I was faced with Tommy Tiernan himself, and immediately felt more relaxed. He has that quality of showing keen interest, searching your face, almost seeking for the inner soul, that makes you realise he isn’t just here to show off, to demonstrate his own skills, but really wants to know about you.

The set too, the way he wanted it, is like a private room, with no cameras visible, no intrusive lenses or operators disturbing your concentration. That they are there is obvious when you see the footage afterwards, but it’s not obtrusive for the guests which makes for much more relaxed interviewing.

Tommy has read my books (which is a good start), but then we head off into all sorts of fascinating byways, like the ancient Irish rules for marriage, the power of nature, why it is so important to go out into woods and forests to rediscover ourselves... Tommy really seems to listen, consider, and then come out with yet another query that shows his own wide reading and thinking.

He tells me about his experience on a meditation course run by Buddhists, and the joy he felt at thanking nature for the insights it had given him there.

I am completely taken aback when he asks if I can sing, and leans back smiling, waiting to see my reaction. Well, thank heaven for a good Cork upbringing, when doing your party piece at any function, from birthday party to pub crawl, was de rigueur. I give him She Moved Through The Fair, and I swear there were tears in his eyes as I finished.

It was quite an experience. What is Tommy Tiernan really like? Well, all I can say is that I wished afterwards we really had been in a remote country pub somewhere like Dunquin or Doolin, and had the whole evening ahead of us to swap stories across the table while the pints went down. He is that sort of man.