Hits, misses, and John Dolan's winner: Your guide to Eurovision Final
Louane, representing France with the song “Maman". She is tipped to do well tonight. Picture Andres Poveda
Our Norwegian singer, Emmy, failed to make the cut, but this one did. Them’s the breaks... Generic and formulaic, teenager Kyle’s effort is destined to get lost in the crowd. At least we get the rare treat tonight of hearing a song in English. Kyle might as well have stuck to Norwegian.
1 star
This aul doll’s average song is boosted by a stage show that is breath-taking, even by modern Eurovision standards. Fun fact: the song wasn’t influenced by the Barbie film, rather by the fact Luxembourg’s winning tune 60 years ago was also about a doll.
2 stars
Now this is what Eurovision is all about. A hyper fella doing the oddest dance moves you ever saw - is he double-jointed, or just, er, jointed? Fun and frothy, and the song is a tribute to coffee! Look out for the stage ‘invader’ - à la Courtney Cox and The Boss. Possible top four this.
4 stars
Defying calls to ban Israel from the contest, Yuval, a survivor of the music festival attack on October 7, 2023, in which 378 people died, provides a suitably haunting anthem with a message of hope.
3 stars
I’m not sure grunge will ever be a success at Eurovision, but at least this is a sighting of the lesser-spotted band tonight - where have they all gone? Truly, we live in the age of individualism. These miserable party-poopers came ahead of Ireland on Thursday... how?
1 star
A song appealing to all the ladies out there to find their inner diva (even “early-rising mothers”). It’s all rather drab, with a few clickety-clicks here and there to remind us it is the Spanish entry.
2 stars
Yes, pedants, that is the right spelling of pray here. The war-torn nation are perennial final qualifiers, but they get points deducted here because the male singer is not wearing a suit.... I jest. Sadly, this so under-stated, it will be forgotten instantly.
1 star
This is actually clever, different, and stands out from the crowd. Pleasantly upbeat, but the changes of pace and occasional discordant tone mitigate against it. The redhead of this girlband trio, Lauren Byrne, has Wicklow roots, don’t you know.
3 stars
JJ’s anguished soprano is just the thing Eurovision judging panels love, but those operatic vocal gymnastics tend to leave me a little cold. The pounding climax is good though. A popular song, and a good challenger.
4 stars
They have been dubbed the Icelandic Jedward, but these high-energy brothers are less cringey with less hair. They defied rank outsider odds to come out of the semi, but this is a poor enough pop rap combo.
2 stars
Ireland’s entry wasn’t great, but how this beat it on Thursday is anyone’s guess. A bevy of ladies emit a cacophony of noise, producing something that sounds like the background music in a health shop. Make it stop!
1 star
This is decent, talented Claude is a smooth operator, and it’s just him and his English/French language song against the world. Effortlessly classy.
3 stars
Dominatrix Erika might be inclined to smack the bottoms of anyone who doesn’t vote for her, as she whips up a frenzy of furious pop. Oh my, I just translated the saucy lyrics - pass the smelling salts. How did it get past the censors? Top ten contender.
3 stars
Many of the larger countries are choosing to sing in their native tongue this year, and this mish-mash of genres is a decent stab. A lovely vibe, but too much of a sleeper song to trouble the judges? Possibly. And subtitles too - can’t they do that for all the songs?
3 stars
This artist opened the 1995 Eurovision in Dublin and, now aged 52, is clearly still in rude health, overseeing an energetic stage show that would put a circus to shame. Is there a song in there trying to get out? Not that I can tell.
1 star
A jarring electronic dance track performed by siblings that pootles along aimlessly. Not sure what a baller is in Germany, but it won’t rack up a hat-trick of Eurovision wins with this own goal.
1 star
Modelling specs by Greece’s most famous singer, Nana Mouskouri, Klavdia belts out a song about separation. But behind her fine voice, I can barely discern any melody at all. Drab.
1 star
Crikey, it’s 19 years since Lordi won! There’s always one hard-ish rock song in the final, and this is a decent stab at the genre. Parg’s virtuoso performance on stage elevates it to another level. How do these people have a work-out and sing at the same time?
3 stars
Dearie me, the hosts without the most. This is a stinker that even a baying home crowd won’t save. It’s portentous, solemn, and starts off ‘My candid eyes discover the world, In a naive way that confounds’. It goes downhill from there. Lucky for us it’s sung in French.
1 star
Sassy, modern party gal Miriana will surely resonate with younger female voters and the song is pretty good too. Oh, and space-hoppers are back in fashion, I see...
3 stars
This really stands out from the crowd because it is so... pleasantly. tuneful. The song is a slow-burner - usually fatal in this ‘me-me’ contest - but develops into a gorgeous guitar ballad. And a rare band too. Far too good to get to the top four.
3 stars
A run-of-the-mill trance number that desperately wants to be Euphoria - but falls miles short of that stand-out winner.
1 star
I defy you not to smile at this perky ditty, which is a strong favourite to win. Yes, it’s three comedians (from Finland actually!) hailing the health benefits of a sauna; and, yes, there is much woe in the world right now, but, my God, Europe, cheer the hell up! Almost a nailed-on winner.
5 stars
Louane performs a moving power ballad in tribute to her late mother. It’s classy, the staging is dramatic, and it’s fancied to do well, but, for me, French is the language of love, not singing. The country hasn’t won since 1977, could this be their time? C’est possible..
4 stars
The little country with a population the size of Navan is in just its fourth final since joining the Eurovision jamboree in 2008. Gabry, 52, is a bone fide dance DJ legend in Europe, and this tribute to Italian culture is decent in parts, but overall is a tad messy.
2 stars
This is ambling along in a trad costume/song vein until some guy who looks like an Albanian Mitchell brother launches into a menacing monologue. Bonkers and bizarre. A suitable encore for the night. Now for the voting...
1 star
App?
