Rebel red heads, bare-chested feens: Cork’s sunny day people

As sure as spring brings green buds and the first cherry blossoms, when temperatures nudge above 20 degrees in Cork, another natural phenomenon begins - the emergence of Cork’s warm-weather wildlife.

Observed only on rare sunny days, these peculiar species appear in the wilds of Patrick Street, Fitzgerald’s Park, and various beer gardens, sun-dazzled and dazed.

Grab your binoculars and your SPF - here’s your field guide to spotting the native sunshine species of Leeside.

The Red Scaldy Head

The Red Scaldy Head is a migratory creature who first appears for a few days in late April or early May and then again sporadically until September.

Most frequently observed in an outdoor café, beer garden or at a park bench, this species has not evolved the melanin needed to survive direct sunlight.

Recognisable by their distinct call ‘Tis fierce warm, isn’t it?”, they can often be seen turning puce while holding a pint of Heineken.

The euphoria of summer has evaporated their basic understanding that Irish skin is incapable of enduring more than 30 minutes of hot sun before turning rebel red.

As the victim of many a stupid sunburn in my day I sympathise strongly with this vulnerable species. I have to stop myself from approaching these Red Scaldy Heads to warn them of the code red situation happening on their faces. Do not approach - they are likely to insist they are “grand”, even as their skin audibly sizzles.

Ghost White Gowl

As soon as the mercury crosses the 20-degree threshold, this rare and beloved species emerges from hibernation, blinking into the Cork sunlight.

A cousin of the Scaldy, this creature has a contrasting approach to the sun and has instead gone full arctic camouflage.

Liberally plastered in sunscreen, they resemble an extra from a zombie film or someone midway through a mime act.

Protecting their skin? Absolutely. Protecting their dignity? Hmmm.

Maybe they were in a rush, maybe they don’t own a mirror, or maybe they don’t care about the ghostly white sheen, as long as they don’t morph into Red Scaldy Head.

I get it. I salute their sun-safe survival strategy, but would also advise that sheer and invisible types of sunscreens are available from all good pharmacies.

Bare-Chested Feen

This city-centre specific species believes that as soon as UV levels reach “moderate”, the shirt must go. It could be 9am and barely 19 degrees on Patrick Street, it doesn’t matter. The nipples are out.

Easily spooked by clouds and frequently found walking at a slow swagger, is Bare-Chested Feen displaying his chest and collection of body tattoos to attract a mate or deter other males?

Is he simply overheating, or is this an uninhibited natural male display celebrating the approaching summer solstice?

Science has yet to uncover the answer as to why he is topless standing at the 208-bus stop.

Over-Developed Boyyo

Not to be confused with Bare- Chested Man above, these musculature heavy specimens are seen infrequently in winter, but emerge on sunny days clad in skin-tight Lycra, accentuating their bulging biceps and six-pack abs.

Rarely seen outside their natural habitat of the gym or JD Sports, summertime is their opportunity to display their anatomical goods on Pana.

These boyyos have been hibernating through winter in dark, sweaty gyms, consuming a diet of egg whites and chicken fillets to enable them to lift heavy things, like pianos presumably, and wear vacuum-sealed t-shirts with confidence.

They parade along the streets, arms swinging like pendulums, but are these bodies less prized anatomical specimens and more the embodiment of endless, pointless hours in the gym?

Hours that could have been spent doing something more interesting or productive - like volunteering in a puppy shelter or cutting the grass of an elderly neighbour.

Like a protein shake given sentience, when approached, ODB will talk unprompted about “hitting his macros”. Approach with caution.

Groomed Girl

This majestic creature glides across pavements like she’s on a Marbella catwalk. A vision.

Immaculately turned out. Somehow not sweating. Floaty sundress, oversized shades, perfect fake tan and pristine mani/pedi - she smells faintly of expensive SPF and confidence.

She has prepared. Her summer wardrobe was excavated from the attic and steam-ironed last week. No bad tan streaks or sticky Band-Aid protecting a blister on her heels.

Her espadrilles are clean and comfortable, her hair is bouncy, and her sun hat is angled just so. How? We do not know. Some say they absorb no heat at all, like lizards.

Spontaneous downpours are the only threat to this species.

Unlike the rest of us, sticky, frizzy, and hoping our deodorant will last the day - Groomed Girl is thriving. Listen closely and you might faintly hear Lizzo’s Good As Hell (“I do my hair toss / check my nails / baby how you feeling / feeling good as hell!”) as they waft past.

Overdressed Mite

A tragic figure in this sunlit ecosystem. This poor soul is still wearing a woolly jumper, heavy jeans and leather boots. They clearly did not check the forecast or misheard “scorching” as “scattered showers”.

This overheated species can often be tracked by seeking the coolest corners of the urban landscape - beneath the deep shade of Eason’s or in close proximity to an iced coffee vendor.

If you happen upon them, you may be lucky enough to hear them muttering: “I didn’t think it would be this hot.”

Fortunately, this creature’s wardrobe is perfectly adapted to the Cork climate the remaining 360 days of the year when the sun doesn’t shine.