Self-praise is no praise? I disagree!

Traipsing down the hill from school with my bag on my back and a smile on my face, I felt chuffed that I had done so well in my Home Economics practical exam. Perplexed, my grandmother asked “What are you smiling about?” when I dropped my bag under the table of the small town café where I always met my mother and grandmother after school.

“I did great in my exam, Nanny, sure I knew I would; I’m really good at cooking”.

Says she: “Erra, self -praise is no praise.”

Growing up with this phrase, we were led to believe that it was to save us from becoming arrogant or, God forbid, overly confident!

This I feel now is definitely what I like to call in psychotherapy an ‘Irishism’. Don’t get me wrong, my grandmother said these things from such a place of love, it was never meant as a negative, rather quite the opposite. She was the gentlest, kindest, most loving person, but the school of generational thought was rooted in the very foundations of keeping one grounded by not letting one’s head ‘get too big’.

Today we have a much different understanding of self-esteem and how one’s very sense of self is developed. 

We now know that praise provides positive affirmation which helps to compound certain beliefs and narratives in the developing brain so as to form core beliefs.

That is to say the way we view ourselves and our world forms the basis for our mental health. So what happens when we say/hear ‘Self-praise is no praise’?

In recent years, psychological research has shown that self-praise, or self-compassion, is actually essential for our mental health and wellbeing (Crego, et al., 2022).

According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression, as well as greater life satisfaction and happiness (Asslemann, et al., 2024).

This is because when we are kind to ourselves, we are better able to regulate our emotions and cope with stress.

But what does it mean to be self-compassionate or to offer ourselves praise? It’s not about bragging or boasting about our accomplishments, but rather about acknowledging and accepting our own strengths and weaknesses. This means treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a friend. Often, for many, this can prove very difficult owing to the fact that we are very quick to berate ourselves for our mistakes or perceived wrongdoings.

The inner dialogue provides a persistent barrage of negativity and criticism.

The Inner Critic: A Silent Saboteur

Imagine having a constant companion who only points out your flaws, magnifies your mistakes, and diminishes your achievements. This is the inner critic, a relentless voice that thrives on self-deprecation and negative self-talk. Engaging in self-deprecating inner dialogue can have a profound impact on our mental health and general well-being.

Studies have shown that excessive self-criticism is linked to increased levels of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem (Sirois, & Hirsch, 2018).

We would do well to remember that we are the masters of our own thoughts and we do possess the power to change what we think if it is having a negative impact, and thus change how we feel. When your inner critic starts to chime in with self-deprecating remarks, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself if they are based on facts or distorted perceptions.

In a world that often glorifies self-criticism and downplays self-praise, it’s time to rewrite the narrative. 

Self-praise is not vanity; it’s a vital component of self-compassion and mental well-being. By nurturing self-compassion, challenging our inner critic, and practicing self-care, we can cultivate a healthier relationship with ourselves and pave the way for a more fulfilling life.

So how can we start being more self-compassionate?

Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and non-judgmentally observing our thoughts and feelings. This can help us to be more self-compassionate by allowing us to see our thoughts and emotions for what they are, rather than getting caught up in them.

Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend facing a challenge. Acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses without judgment.

Use realistic affirmations: The term ‘Positive Affirmations’ may be more familiar to you here, however many may have difficulty accessing positivity, especially if self-esteem/self-belief is particularly low. Bridging the gap with ‘Realistic’ affirmations will make them more believable; for example instead of thinking “I am useless at art”, try “Art is not one of my strengths however making an attempt at it gives me a sense of calm and joy”.

Challenge your inner critic: We all have an inner critic that tells us we’re not good enough. But this inner critic is often overly critical and doesn’t reflect reality. 

Challenge your inner critic by asking yourself if it’s true, and if not, try to reframe your thoughts in a more realistic light. What is fact and what is fiction?

Celebrate Small Wins: Instead of dismissing your achievements, no matter how small, celebrate them. Recognise your efforts and progress, no matter how incremental.

Take care of yourself: Self-care is an important part of self-compassion. Make sure to take time for yourself each day to do something that you enjoy, whether it’s reading a book, taking a bath, or going for a walk. Remember self- care does not have to mean taking time out from your daily routine, but rather integrating it into your daily routine.

Seek support: If you’re struggling with self-compassion, it can be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counsellor. They can help you to identify negative thought patterns and develop strategies for being more self-compassionate.

In conclusion, self-praise is not only not a bad thing, but it’s essential for our mental health and well-being. Nanny, I know in my heart and soul you meant well, but different times call for different measures!

By being more self-compassionate, we can improve our self-esteem, reduce stress, and increase our overall happiness. So don’t be afraid to give yourself a pat on the back every once in a while. You deserve it!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Katrina Dennehy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and Lecturer, Smaointe CBT, Carrigaline, Co. Cork