‘We were parents without a child’: Former navy captain describes impact of the loss of her son

Master Ciarán Prior always looks out for his mother.

“I know he is looking down on me now and he is very proud,” says Marie Gleeson.

Ciarán was born in 2012 and had a congenital heart condition. He died a week later.

Marie made history in 2013 as the first Irish woman to take over the captaincy of an Irish naval ship LE Aoife from another woman.

Marie is the keynote speaker at a talk this week on leadership, resilience and teamwork in support of the Pregnancy Loss Research Group (PLRG) based at Cork University Maternity Hospital.

The evening will feature inspiring speakers, including consultant obstetrician Professor Keelin O’Donoghue.

Marie, mother to Laoise and Muireann, who met the ‘love of her life’ John, on patrol aboard ship, knows the grief of loss, after saying goodbye to her son a week after he was born.

“Life is challenging, and you have to roll with the punches,” she says.

Marie, a former Captain in the Irish Naval Service, is a people person.

“People hurt when other people hurt,” she says.

“And they are delighted for you when things go well.”

Growing up carefree on a farm in Ballykelly, Tipperary, and inspired by her army uncle, Lt. Michael Clancy from Cashel, Marie joined the Irish Navy in 1998 at 19, three years after female personnel were first admitted to the service.

“I always thrived on conversation and differing opinions,” says Marie.

“I love debate. I live on debate! I love different perspectives.”

She loves being a mother.

“As a mother of two young girls, aged 8 and 9, I am wary of the habit in the ‘current culture’ to ‘shut people down’ very, very quickly. I suppose I’m concerned for my girls going into the future.”

What is Marie concerned about?

“About this perception that there’s only one voice in the room, and if you’ve a different opinion you’ll be shut down or not allowed to have your own opportunity to speak.

“I have always thrived on different opinions.”

She gives her own opinion.

“Be open, be curious, and educate yourself before you make a judgement.”

Marie made the call to see the world.

“I didn’t come from a sea-faring background. I grew up on a farm,” she says.

“I loved going to the mart and playing sport with the boys.”

Marie, whose life has been tinged with tragedy, tells me about her own boy.

“You are doing great things,” says Marie, looking back to when she was expecting Ciarán.

“You think that you are in control. I was newly married and, on the pig’s back.”

Marie then had to navigate something totally unexpected.

“At six months pregnant, it was detected that Ciarán had a serious heart defect. We decided to carry him to term.”

She and John had to come to terms with the threat of losing their baby.

“When we lost Ciarán, we were in an unusual space,” says Marie.

“We were parents without a child. I was on maternity leave, but I had no baby.”

Marie was devastated.

“I was literally on the floor,” she says.

“There are no words for such a tragic life event.”

Marie, ever a people person, was surrounded by people who cared and supported her.

“The huge impact that losing Ciarán had on my family and on my naval family was huge,” she says.

“They were all there for me. People’s hearts were broken for us.”

Going through life, a freak wave can often hit us.

“It was the first time I ever experienced this,” says Marie.

Other mothers had experienced it.

“Outside the church, when Ciarán was laid to rest, a number of older women came up to the hearse,” says Marie.

“The women who came up to us knew all about the grief of losing a child.

“They put their hand on my shoulder. They said, ‘I know what it’s like. I’ve been there’.”

Marie lost her nanna at the same time she lost her child.

“Ciarán and nanna were buried together,” says Marie.

“A good friend of my nanna's came up to me and told me that she too had lost a child.”

Marie, newly married and full of the joys of life, had so wanted to give birth to her son.

“It was suggested I go to the UK for a termination at six months pregnant,” she says.

“That was a blow and a shock, to be told that.

“Even though the expectation was that Ciarán would not survive, I wanted to hold on to him.

Ciaran was a very beautiful baby.

“Maybe I am biased,” says Marie smiling.

“But Ciarán was a beautiful baby. He had beautiful eyes and hair. He looked so perfect.”

He had another name besides his birth name.

“In the ICU, they called him the rugby player!”

Ciarán must have made his mark?

“Beside the other really sick babies, Ciarán looked healthy, recalls Marie.

Ciarán was christened in the hospital.

“We had a small gathering of family and relatives,” says Marie.

The aftermath was hard after Ciaran’s birth and his death.

“That was hard, yes,” says Marie.

“I got to know another mum who had lost her little boy around the same time we lost Ciarán... my heart broke for her.

“We became very close through a tragic situation, though we never knew each other before.”

Marie knew her son for a very short time.

“I went into labour,” says Marie. “I had him; then I lost him.”

She is speaking tomorrow night in Kinsale with Professor Keelin O’Donoghue, about a powerful cause, and a shared commitment to making a difference.

“Life taught me that we don’t have control over everything,” says Marie.

“But we do control our response.”

The spirit of unity, compassion, and leadership will shine brightly at Kinsale Community School, hosted by the Kinsale Lions Club, in collaboration with Kinsale Community School and the Cork University Foundation at UCC.

The event will bring together distinguished guests, media representatives, and community leaders, all committed to supporting the vital work of the Pregnancy Loss Research Group at Cork University Maternity Hospital.

See kinsalelionsonline.com