Eimear Hutchinson: How to talk about sex, periods and bodies to our young daughters

I DON’T know if it’s the time of year for it in other schools, but certainly with my ladies there has been lots of talk and giggles about ‘bagina’s’ around the dinner table.

I honestly keep telling my four-year-old it is a vagina, but apparently mothers don’t know everything, four-year-olds do, so ‘bagina’ it is.

I have always encouraged openness around the topic of bodies with the girls. This is obviously all a learning experience for me – with my eldest, everything is a learning experience and how we talk about bodies, periods and sex these days is different to how it was discussed with us back in the day.

There is also access to material online that wasn’t something our parents had to consider when my generation were teenagers, so it’s become a more complex topic to navigate.

I’ve had to ask friends with older children what is and isn’t appropriate to discuss with the girls, and that’s OK too, we aren’t born with a manual on parenting built into our brains.

What I do know is that my parents were very open with me about it all, so that’s how I want to be with my girls.

The topic of periods was first brought up when myself and my nine-year-old were on the way to camogie training. She was in third class so, to be honest, I was caught unawares as I didn’t think this talk was on the radar for another while. Bear in mind every child is different, it depends on the child themselves, their class and friends; my second lady is almost nine but in second class so it’s not something that has come up with her yet.

The eldest lady was in a split class with fourth class and the girls in fourth had had ‘the talk’, so of course the conversation filtered down to my very inquisitive child’s ears. I had two choices that evening – I could shut down the conversation until she was a little older, but knowing her like I do, I knew that once she had a few details she wouldn’t rest until she had the full picture. So we sat in the car park and we had the talk.

I was glad it had come up in such a mundane way because it was good to take ceremony out of it and make it a relatively casual conversation.

She is in fifth class now so the topic of sex has been discussed in school. I gave her a book last year in the summer after fourth class, which we did also discuss, but I felt it did a nice job of explaining the facts alongside our more informal conversations.

The talk in school wasn’t a mystery to her, but it did throw up a very interesting conversation around the narrative of consent. It is a concept that is introduced at a much earlier age in school and it’s hugely important that children know what touching is and isn’t appropriate.

We obviously talk to teenagers about not feeling pressure to do anything they don’t want to, but that conversation can start earlier than that.

There was an incident where some boys were making lewd gestures and my daughter and I struck up a conversation around the idea of feeling comfortable in that context.

I am totally out of my depth when it comes to teenagers and sex, I have no idea what goes on yet but at least I feel if we begin the conversation before that around being comfortable and uncomfortable in sexual situations, it might mean she will feel free to talk to me if she needs to.

They also spoke about miscarriage in school which I thought was a very honest and open thing for the teacher to discuss.

I had two miscarriages so it felt right to share that information with my ten-year-old when she brought it up after school. I wanted her to know it’s not something secretive or something to be ashamed of, and that unfortunately it is very common.

We all have a different way of talking about bodies and some of us find it more awkward to discuss than others, and that is totally fine.

I’m not suggesting my approach is perfect, but I do think as parents we have no other option but to be open about it. If it is something we shroud in mystery and the conversation around the topic of sex and bodies is awkward, it may make it difficult for children, teens or young adults to come to us and openly discuss things that might be worrying them.

If you can, have the talk with them before they first learn about it in school, I know the schools do a wonderful job of explaining everything but some things are better coming from you first. 

Kids talk amongst themselves too, even if you ask them not to, so it’s good they hear to proper facts from you rather than picking up half-truths in the playground that might leave them feeling confused.