Eimear Hutchinson: How to face challenges ahead in the school term...

BACK to school is at the front of most parents’ minds now, some looking forward to the click of the door and the ensuing silence and others perhaps dreading the return to routine.

This week I want to touch on a topic that I probably won’t do justice to in a short column but I’ll try. I often say to my husband, if we thought the challenges we had when they were babies were tricky, they are nothing like the problems that arise when they go out into the big bad world and have to interact with people.

It is illogical to think you can wrap your child in bubble wrap, much as I would love to do that, and hope that no-one is ever going to upset them, but that is not reality. For parents that can be a tough one, seeing your child upset by someone else is always heart-wrenching.

As they get older, you become more open to the challenges of the outside world invading your house. You are open to it happening as soon as they go to school and no matter how wonderful and amazing your child is, there is no avoiding it.

Emotional upsets are often trickier to deal with and can be drawn-out, and for me, I find it hugely challenging because I worry about the long-term effect of, not the issue as such, but the effect of how I deal with it.

Children can be emotionally challenged by many things – schoolwork, teachers, friends, birthday parties, schoolyard politics and playground policies. And all that is without even mentioning the pressures our older children now face in the online world.

It is probably necessary to interject here and caveat this article by saying that problems and issues arise in all different ways – some are more serious, deep and complex than others and children cope with emotional conflict in all manner of different ways. So, unfortunately, this isn’t an A-Z of how to deal with conflict or upset that your children may encounter when they go to school, that would need many more pages of writing.

It is only human to react when a problem arrives at our door, if it is your child that is the cause of distress for others, it is disappointing and upsetting and, equally, if your child is enduring the behaviour that is causing distress it is disappointing and upsetting.

For lots of people, the world is a complicated and difficult place, as a parent be open to other parents coming to you about issues their child may be having with yours. If a parent rings you about a concern between your child and theirs, try to remain calm and objective. It is only natural to try and defend your child, and sometimes you will have to, but we have to be open to the fact that every child can make mistakes.

They may say something that they think is funny to a child who just simply does not get the joke. I believe, and I may be wrong, that we are doing our children a disservice if we are not open to the fact that they can do wrong. 

Tread carefully and try to get to the crux of the problem without swaying the reporting on it and chalk every experience, good or bad, down to learning and growing.

Sometimes, issues arise and you are close to having to ring the teacher to get involved, trust your gut in terms of knowing when you really need to step in or if it’s something you could encourage your child to work through themselves with your support.

Remember, you are often only hearing one side of the story so don’t go in all guns blazing.

I only have experience in parenting girls but I find they can be emotional and, like myself, when I am emotional, I am not rational.

We had a great experience in letting our daughter deal with an issue in the classroom herself and giving her the opportunity to approach the teacher about a little problem she was having with friends, knowing she had us to step in if she would have preferred.

It was resolved easily and calmly, and for her it was a huge learning in terms of handling and processing a tricky social situation by herself.

I know that is not always possible, but if it is it is good to encourage children to embrace this sort of problem-solving.

Whatever the situation, always take a deep breath and remain calm. Never write an email or ring a parent or teacher when you are in a heightened state of emotions. When we do so we are not thinking clearly or rationally so take some time to calm – go for a walk, talk to a friend you trust and be objective. If you can, give yourself a night to think it over and to consider your next step wisely and evenly.