Arthritis and wrinkle cures... all from a day trip to Bandon

I HAVE a friend who is very moral. So much so that she refuses to fly any more.

Kate (not her real name) is aghast at people who fly around the world on holidays, clocking up air miles, contributing to the ongoing devastation of the planet, all in the name of pleasure.

She is a reluctant driver, but has no option as she lives in rural County Cork with no public transport.

As well as being as environmentally-friendly as is possible, Kate is also something of a magpie, collecting health and environmental tips, dispensing them among friends and family. (She was recently very animated about fungus, it being known as the fifth kingdom of life on earth.)

Last Tuesday, Kate brought me on a short road trip – to Bandon. She had a little bit of business to do there.

We stopped off at an agricultural supplies outlet where she purchased a big fat tube of Uddermint cream. It was news to me that this potion, made for rubbing onto cows’ udders to soothe mastitis, is suitable for humans too.

Kate bought it for a family member that has rheumatoid arthritis. It’s also good for chest infections and sinus problems. It has a strong peppermint odour.

Who knew that a cow’s cure is very popular with sports people, everyone from GAA players to English soccer players, suffering joint pain? It’s used for pets’ sore limbs too.

Kate also bought some Kaolin, a naturally occurring clay that is good for diarrhea. But she wanted it for her fruit trees as it is good for the bark. It’s also used in foods. And cosmetics. Apparently, it can prevent fine lines and wrinkles. (Who needs expensive pseudo-scientific skin products when something from the earth can do the job?)

More importantly (because really, the race against wrinkles is usually futile, although I may give Kaolin a shot), it can be used to treat the soreness and swelling inside the mouth caused by radiation treatments.

Bolstered with these tips for both health and vanity, it was time for lunch in a chi-chi café. We even had dessert – what decadence! (Apple pie and cream).

And a wander around the town resulted in us being inexorably drawn to a Polish shop. These stores, dotted around the country, are fascinating. This particular Polski Sklep was like a little slice of Poland.

The assistants spoke in their native language, with just the odd English word for the customers. Polish radio was playing, and we couldn’t establish if the small fish Kate pointed at was sprat. (I was almost vicariously homesick for the Poles, trying to imagine myself in a foreign country, propped up by all things Irish).

Kate became quite animated about the jars of honey that she spotted. (God only knows what she uses honey for.)

She bought a really substantial sized jar of ‘honey from the forest’ for €15. The different types of honey all had their provenance stated on labels.

Kate also bought some borscht, “great for potassium.” (In Ukraine, borscht is considered a symbol of a strong family.) Not liking beetroot, I didn’t buy it, opting instead for ‘sour cherry’ jam and chocolate. (I’m clearly no health fiend.) And the jam is actually sweet tasting.

We couldn’t leave Bandon before popping into the hardware shop. I have this thing that you should always visit the local hardware store in towns. You never know what you might find. I bought green ‘pearls’ in a hardware shop in Kenmare last year.

This time, though, my purchase was boring and practical. I bought a decent-sized plastic basin for carrying the washing out to the clothes line – something I’ve been on the look-out for.

Kate’s purchase was thoughtful, even if it’s for a clear case of deception.

Her young niece planted strawberry seeds in her aunt’s beautiful garden. (Presumably, this was in the glasshouse. I’m not good on gardening.) But because of the cold weather, the seeds didn’t germinate.

So, Kate bought two potted strawberry plants. When they blossom, she is going to stick them in the earth so that her niece will think they’re the fruits of her labour. A horticultural white lie.

We had a grand time in Bandon. Who needs to go abroad when there’s this country to explore? Been there, done that, I hear you say.

But really, we’ll have to cop on about air travel. I was almost ashamed to tell Kate that I have a flight booked.

On our way home at tea-time, Kate counted cars, in groups of ten, to see how many had one person in them. Nine out of ten had only the driver in them coming home from work.

What about carpooling? In Kate’s view, that’s basic morality.