Áilín Quinlan: 6 simple rules women should read for their own protection

As Kelly reached her building, she noticed the front door had been left ajar.

She pushed it shut, heard it click, and started up the stairs to her fourth-floor apartment, carrying several heavy grocery bags.

On the third floor, a bag tore and cans of cat food fell out, rolling down the stairs.

A man’s voice called from below that he’d caught some of the cans and would bring them up.

Kelly pondered later that something about his voice hadn’t sounded quite right, but when he appeared, all she saw was a friendly-looking young guy hurrying up the stairs with her cans in his arms, offering to help carry her shopping bags.

She refused. He persisted, asking what floor she was going to. She told him it was the fourth. She said she could manage. He wouldn’t hear of it, saying he was heading to the fourth floor too, and that he was late due to a broken watch. He tugged at one of the heavy grocery bags she was holding.

Kelly repeated that she could manage. Still grasping at the shopping bag, he told her she should know that there was such a thing as being too proud.

Kelly let go of the bag.

“We’d better hurry” he said, as he walked up ahead of her. “We’ve got a hungry cat up there.”

As they approached her apartment, she thanked him and said she’d take it from there, hoping he’d be on his way.

Oh no, he said, he didn’t want another cat food spill! He’d leave the door open “like ladies do in old movies” and, he promised, he’d then just put the stuff down and go.

Kelly let him in.

But, observes Gavin de Becker, security specialist and author who has worked for governments, corporations, public figures, and a host of A-list celebrities, he didn’t keep his promise.

Instead, he held a gun to Kelly’s head and raped her.

After what was a three-hour ordeal he rose, dressed, closed the window, and mentioned that he was going to the kitchen to get a drink.

Kelly instantly knew that he intended to kill her. She rose silently, followed behind him, and sneaked out her front door.

In his spell-binding book The Gift Of Fear, which I read from cover-to-cover last weekend, de Becker states that us Ordinary Joes really can predict violent behaviour. That we do see the red flags.

Our problem is that we are very good at denial. Another problem: although one of our best resources for predicting violence is intuition or gut instinct, we often dismiss it.

However, de Becker says - and this really caught me by the throat – there are visible tells.

Chapter Four, which outlines what de Becker calls Survival Signals, is sufficient reason to gift this book to any female family member, friend, or work colleague. To anybody at all.

De Becker encourages women to explicitly rebuff unwanted approaches. This can be difficult, he acknowledges, because women are “expected to respond to every communication from a man”. And to respond, he adds, with willingness, attentiveness, warmth and openness.

Sadly, for the ill-intentioned, this can provide valuable information needed to evaluate and then control a prospective victim.

Creeped out yet?

De Becker acknowledges that the strategies below are often used by people with no ill-intent - for example by a man who just wants to engage a woman in conversation. However, he says, far better to develop approaches that are “not steeped in deceit and manipulation”.

1. Forced Teaming

This is the ‘we’re-in-the-same boat’ attitude. For the target, this can be hard to rebuff without feeling rude. For the criminal, however, it’s an effective way to establish premature trust.

Kelly’s assailant’s use of the word ‘we’ (we’ve got a hungry cat up there) implies a shared predicament.

Forced Teaming is intentional, directed and, de Becker warns, one of the most sophisticated manipulations. (Better to be rude than to risk being raped is a phrase that might come to mind here.).

2. Charm and Niceness

Think of charm as a verb, not a trait, de Becker advises. If you consciously tell yourself ‘This person is trying to charm me’ as opposed to “this person is charming”, he says, you’ll be able to see around it.

People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice, smiling person. In the beginning.

3: Too Many Details

In Kelly’s story, her rapist talked about an absent friend’s cat he once forgot about and left unfed. He referred to leaving her apartment door open “like ladies do in old movies.” He explained he was late because of a broken watch. Too many details.

When people are telling the truth, de Becker says, they don’t feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When they lie, they keep talking.

4: Typecasting

The man labels the woman in some slightly critical way, says de Becker, hoping she will feel compelled to disprove it. For example, as in Kelly’s situation, “there’s such a thing as being too proud”. Kelly felt compelled to disprove this by accepting his help.

5: The Unsolicited Promise

Kelly’s attacker, sensing her reluctance to let him through her door, promises that he’ll just put down the stuff and go.

Aside from meeting all unsolicited promises with scepticism (whether they’re about safety or not, says de Becker) it’s useful to ask yourself why this person is making a promise in an attempt to convince you of something.

“Always, in every context, be suspicious of the unsolicited promise,” he warns.

6: Discounting the word ‘No’

“Declining to hear ‘no’ is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it,” says de Becker bluntly.

No argument. This book could save a life.

The Gift Of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence, by Gavin de Becker. Published by Bloomsbury. Paperback.