I recovered from an eating disorder - there is hope... just take the first step

DIETS are the gateway drug to eating disorders, and sadly we live in a world that propagates these. A world that tells us health and beauty come in one size only, and that is what defines our worth.

It’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week, from February 27 to March 5, and since recovering from mine over 10 years ago, I’ve come to realise just how prominent they are. Yet given that dieting and exercising are such normal activities, it can be difficult to recognise at what point it becomes a problem. The bottom line is: if food and your body weight are taking your time and energy away from enjoying life, then you’ve got a problem. There is so much more to life than worrying about your body size.

As someone with a history of bulimia, there really are no words to describe how all-consuming it can be. It’s as if you have a tyrant inside your head constantly criticising you and obsessing over food and your body, yet no matter how much you starve yourself, exercise, calorie count or purge, it will never be enough. I remember clearly how trapped I felt, stuck in this vicious cycle of binging and purging, wanting desperately to break free but feeling powerless to do so. It was exhausting, and the shame that accompanied it isolated me and led me to believe there was something fundamentally wrong with me. 

I knew I had a problem, and I wanted it to stop, but I was incapable of ceasing the compulsive behaviour and thoughts. It took me years of trying before I even began my recovery. The real irony is that it began as an attempt to take control over my body, yet by the end, it was in control of me.

People develop eating disorders for many reasons: peer pressure, praise for weight loss, underlying mental health issues, the medical system, dieting, or simply trying to gain control in a world where they feel powerless. Whatever the reason why, whatever your body size, and however it manifests, all experiences are exhausting, painful, and valid.

Sadly, the culture of dieting and weight loss is normalised. Conversations that praise weight loss and negatively judge weight gain are a normal part of everyday conversations, yet what does it really matter how much somebody weighs? Health comes in all shapes and sizes, food isn’t good or bad, and what we can do and how our body feels is far more valuable than our shape and size. Furthermore, true beauty comes from within, confidence is sexy, and freedom comes when you learn to love yourself unconditionally.

The reality is there are many industries that profit off individuals hating their bodies, keeping the negative stories alive, however, research shows that over 98% of diets don’t work, and most people who diet eventually bounce back to a weight greater than their original one. In contrast, when we learn to love ourselves, we are the ones who benefit the most, nobody else. Once we do, all that time and energy that went into worrying about food and body size can instead go into more beneficial things such as chasing after your dreams and creating a life you enjoy.

Mindfulness was one of the first things that allowed me to start recovering from disordered eating. 

It enabled me to reconnect with my body, develop self-awareness, and eventually cultivate self-compassion. When it came to disrupting the cycle of binging and purging it was a matter of approaching it one day at a time and realising that the world wasn’t going to end if I gave myself permission to eat. I learned the approaches of intuitive and mindful eating, and how to be present and aware of the experience of eating in my body.

Learning to reconnect with my body was important too, due to the disconnection that naturally comes when you’re constantly turning against yourself. The body is always sending signals that communicate how to take care of it and learning to listen to those builds trust and safety, both necessary for healing.

After that, it was a matter of taking care of my mental health, working through underlying issues, and creating a life I enjoyed. My body was no longer about how it looked but more about what I could do with it and doing things that felt good, such as dancing, yoga, and art. It wasn’t easy, and it was uncomfortable, but the freedom that came with it is beyond words. It’s as if I was suffocating all that time and when I came out the other side I could finally breathe again.

Shame thrives in isolation, and there can be a lot of shame associated with eating disorders and other mental health issues. Therefore, reaching out for help and talking to others, really lightens the load and helps you to realise that you’re not alone and the monster inside your head isn’t as big as it seemed. Simply having someone listening to you compassionately and without judgement is powerful in itself.

The bottom line is there is hope, you just need to take that first step and reach out for support and guidance. The people who love you want to help you. There is no shame in your experience, and there are millions of others who have gone through something similar. And for those who want to support someone going through this, be compassionate, kind, and non-judgmental, you have no idea how big that monster is inside their head.

Mirin Mooney is an East Cork mental health coach & mindfulness teacher running classes, programs, and one-to-one sessions online and in person. Visit www.mirinmooney.com for more info