‘Losing both my parents has made me reflect’: A daughter's heartbreak

Grief is part of life - something we will all go through at some point when we lose someone we love.

I recently lost my dad very suddenly, and I’m still in shock. Even though he had health issues over the last ten years, he always seemed to bounce back.

When my mother passed away ten years ago from Alzheimer’s, it was a very different experience. She was diagnosed at just 63, and it was a huge shock for our family.

Watching her slowly fade over the following decade was heartbreaking. On the outside, she still looked like my mam, but inside, we were slowly losing her to the disease.

In a way, that long goodbye gave us time to prepare ourselves for her passing - we were grieving her bit by bit over the years.

But with my dad, there was no time. It was sudden, final, and a complete shock.

Two very different experiences of grief - both painful in their own ways. I didn’t feel the same way when my mam died as I had a longer grieving process; ultimately the ‘long goodbye’ of a terminal illness.

With both my parents now gone, it feels different. It feels final. It makes you reflect. It makes you grieve again, but this time for the loss of both parents.

My father was living independently at home, so I was still able to visit my family home when I wanted to. This is now something that needs to move on. The family home and all the memories will need to be ‘boxed away’.

There’s a lot to ‘sort out’ when both parents pass, and looking for direction from professionals can help the grieving process.

I decided to look for guidance from professionals who could help me.

Margaret O’Keeffe is an Accredited Psychotherapist, specialising in grief and loss, having spent many years also working with the sick and the dying as a Clinical Healthcare Chaplain in Bon Secours Hospital Cork. She is also an Accredited Mindfulness Practitioner and Certified Grief Educator, based in Cork.

Margaret’s website mentioned the loss of identity that comes with grief, and this resonated with me; this loss of identity from losing both parents.

I had a session with Margaret so I could experience what it’s like to have that kind of support through therapy. It gave me a safe space to say things out loud, to process the shock of my dad’s sudden passing, and to just feel heard. She gently encouraged me to bring some self-compassion into those tough moments, especially when big emotions surfaced, which they did.

We spoke about the stages of grief - not as a straight line or checklist, but more like waves that come and go in their own time. Margaret helped me understand how grief affects not just the mind, but the whole body.

It was such a comfort to have someone hold that space for me. During our session, Margaret used mindful interventions to hold the moments and I was really drawn into a meaningful ritual or practice she used to help me talk to them individually. It was very overwhelming and comforting.

Margaret explained: “The pain of loss is the price we pay for loving and being loved and there can be a deep attachment with daughters and their dads.”

Nothing prepares you for a sudden death experience; you don’t have the opportunity to prepare, and it is so final. For my dad, it came so quickly, and his suffering was over, but we didn’t have time to prepare for his passing. This gave me some clarity on how we can experience death so differently. I never really had time to grieve my mam’s death as I was busy solo parenting my three children. Our busy lives can take that grieving time we need, away from us.

I know now I need to grieve for both my parents and remember that they are always with me and there when I need to talk with them.

Rachel Gotto, originally of West Cork and now based in Galway, is a grief coach and clinical hypnotherapist who specialises in helping people navigate grief, trauma and major life crises. Drawing on both professional expertise and lived experience, she offers transformational hypnotherapy, coaching, somatic work and narrative practices to support her clients.

Her coaching approach focuses on empowering individuals with tools and education, helping them negotiate the often confusing grief journey with greater understanding and resilience. Rachel’s own journey through profound loss, including the death of her husband while pregnant, recovery from a brain tumour and paralysis, informs her deep insight into healing.

She explains that grief is a natural process and almost always not a pathology. Rachel explains her thought process. “I often compare it to boarding a boat with no clear destination, requiring trust in the method.

“What I like to concentrate on in my practice is imparting compassionate presence, teaching self-care practices and education. I help my clients reconnect to themselves and find strength and also to practice self-care within the grief journey.”

There is a distinct difference in grief counselling and grief coaching and finding what suits you at that exact moment is a good place to start your healing.

Margaret explained why grief counselling works: “This time is for you to tell your story and honour what is happening within.”

Rachel’s practice is about learning self-care practices and the education around it all.

Ultimately, our story is what we leave behind. My parents’ story is part of me and so it continues.