Julie Helen: I have learned how important the maternal bond is... especially when my boy is sick

I’M writing this bleary-eyed. I didn’t get much sleep last night. Our little boy was coughing and unwell during the night so that had my mummy senses on high alert.

Before I had a son, I didn’t know motherhood came with physical feelings, like primal biological responses in my body. I feel silly admitting this, but when I was trying to sleep in the maternity hospital the week before Ricky was born, I remember thinking there were many cats meowing outside the window at night.

The following week, as a newly-minted mother, I realised there were no cats, they were the newborn babies causing a ruckus in the nursery.

On one such night, my own tiny offspring was screaming his head off from the same place. The staff had taken him from me the night after my C section so I could get some sleep. Even corridors away, I knew I could hear my own child, but I was astonished that I was so sure it was him. I could feel my whole body tingling and my heart gave a pull I had never felt before. With each piercing shriek, the feelings intensified and I rang the bell to call a nurse. A few minutes later, a kind lady was telling me I was wrong, that all was well in the nursery. I begged her to check again because the staff in the two areas didn’t really cross over and I felt like she was placating me with kind words rather than actual knowledge!

After my insistence that she check again with the staff in the nursery because I couldn’t get out of bed to go myself, a very cranky, squealing little squirming bundle was returned to my arms. 

Despite the kind intentions, being separated was far worse than having a crying baby.

When we got home from the hospital, the day before Christmas Eve in 2019, I remember mum minding Ricky so I could have a shower. I could hear the baby wailing as the water flowed over me and my body started to shake in response. Those early hormones are potent things. At that moment, I remember feeling slightly terrified because, if my own incredible mum, who had raised four of us, couldn’t quieten the new addition to our family, how in blue blazes was I going to manage it?!

When I was dry after my shower and back in the armchair, mum placed Ricky in my arms and he immediately quietened down and snuggled into my chest. 

I was shocked that it was inexperienced me he wanted rather than my own mum! I really have learned how important the maternal bond is for me.

Now, nearly four years on, when my little boy is sick I feel it in the cavern of my soul that is reserved only for him and nobody else. It was 3am by the time he truly settled, having tried all manner of tips and tricks to enable him to sleep easily. Even when he did settle, I just wanted to keep watch, understanding the saying of the hours being long but the years being short! In our cosy room, I felt a sense of privilege to be with our little man. David was working last night and when he does that, I feel an extra sense of teamwork between us, especially when I was up too, just doing a very different kind of shift to driving a truck. So, I may be tired and bleary eyed, but there’s nowhere else I’d rather be and this too will pass.