Trevor Laffan: No offence... but I am a fan of the ‘Irish Goodbye’ at parties

I could hardly be described as a party animal. Maybe it’s an age thing, but late nights spent in noisy atmospheres with everyone stretching their voice boxes to the limit to be heard is not my thing.

Although it never was to be honest. I have always had sensitive hearing so lots of people talking at the same time accompanied by loud music gives me a headache.

There comes a time when I’ve had enough and want to leave, but I often get into trouble with my wife when it comes to leaving a party or a gathering. My preferred choice is to simply slip away quietly. No goodbyes, no big announcement, just go.

Nobody is going to miss me, and nobody will be offended. That’s my theory anyway.

My wife holds a different view. She likes to say goodnight to everyone, individually with hugs and promises to all meet up again shortly. So, I think we’re about to leave, but she starts her rounds which will take another half hour or more at least.

This is despite the fact that she’s already spent most of the evening talking to these very same people anyway.

What more could they possibly have left to talk about? They must surely have exhausted every topic by now, and if there’s loud music at the venue, then conversation is a struggle anyway so why prolong it?

By the time I eventually make my exit, I’m usually accused of being odd, but I think I’m just being practical. I don’t see the point in hanging around and making a big drama out of goodbyes when I’m probably going to see most of those people every day anyway.

There is no point in talking just for the sake of saying something. Silence is OK too.

In moments of weakness, I have sometimes thought that maybe my long-suffering wife is right. Maybe she has a point and I am odd.

I will admit to having doubted myself in the past occasionally, but not anymore. That won’t happen again because I’ve made a significant discovery - I’m not alone.

It seems I’m not the only person to flee the scene without a word. Oh no siree, it is in fact a very common type of exit strategy.

There’s even a name for it. They call it the Irish goodbye.

Sometimes, at the end of a party when you’re all talked out and don’t have the energy for a round of hugs and farewells, an ‘Irish goodbye’, where you slip away into the night unnoticed, can be the kindest act of self-care.

They even wrote about it in The Times UK. Whether you call it an Irish goodbye, French leave, or filer à l’anglaise (leave in the English style), as the French prefer, the act of quietly slipping out of a party without fanfare is a familiar social impulse.

The Brazilians call it sair à francesa (French style) and the Germans a Polnischer Abgang (Polish departure).

Whatever name it goes by, the concept is the same: One moment you’re there, the next you’ve vanished into the night without a drawn-out round of explanations, hugs, and promises to catch up soon.

According to The Times, every culture has a term for it, and every culture blames someone else.

That collective deflection suggests we already know, on some level, that slipping out unannounced is a social transgression.

But for those with anxiety, that silent exit isn’t rudeness.

While etiquette traditionalists will probably insist that leaving without saying goodbye is a social no-no, some psychologists argue that it’s a coping strategy.

Here’s why sneaking out without saying goodbye might be the healthiest decision you make all evening.

When you break it down - and let’s be honest, those of us who are anxious, introverted, neurodivergent, or dealing with chronic illness have all broken this down into agonising detailed steps - saying goodbye is a loaded cultural ritual. It’s a performance that demands a high degree of social skill, accuracy, and nuance.

Goodbyes are high-demand situations and, sadly, by the end of a social occasion, many of us are already depleted and don’t have the energy to handle all the steps involved.

So, the long and the short of it is, you shouldn’t get stressed out about slipping away quietly because it is an acceptable practice and there are even rules about it.

When It’s Acceptable

1. Large Gatherings: In a crowded event like a wedding or a large party, it’s often acceptable to leave without a formal goodbye. Your host is likely busy and won’t notice individual departures.

2. Casual Meet-ups: For informal get-togethers, especially if they are regular occurrences, a quiet exit might be fine. Close friends will understand if you’re not up for a drawn-out goodbye every time.

3. When Prearranged: If you’ve mentioned beforehand that you might slip out early due to other commitments or feeling under the weather, your exit won’t come as a surprise.

When It’s Not Acceptable

1. Small Gatherings: In intimate settings, like a dinner party with a few friends, leaving without a word can be perceived as disrespectful.

The host has likely put significant effort into the event, and your sudden absence might be felt more acutely.

2. Professional Events: Networking events, business dinners, or any professional gathering typically require a courteous goodbye. It helps maintain relationships and shows respect for the host and other attendees.

So, that’s it. From now on when I’m done, I’m heading for the door and the only person I’m saying goodnight to is the host.

Everyone else can carry on without me, and when my wife starts giving me a hard time about it, I’m just going to tell her I’m doing a filer à l’anglaise. And if the French don’t mind, then she shouldn’t either.