Mirin Mooney: ‘Self-love is essential for mental health and happiness’

Everyone knows that February 14 is Valentine’s Day, but did you know that February 13 is Self-Love Day?

There is a common saying in the self-help space: “You can’t find love until you learn to love yourself first.”

While this isn’t entirely true, learning to love yourself absolutely affects your relationships, quality of life, and mental health.

What is self-love?

Self-love is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, patience, and understanding that you would extend to a friend or loved one. It means speaking to yourself with compassion rather than criticism, acknowledging that you’re trying your best, and that is enough. It’s giving yourself permission to celebrate your successes and forgiving yourself when you make mistakes. Because failure is an essential part of life and learning.

It’s taking care of your needs, resting when you’re sick or tired, and making time for the things that matter to you, even when they don’t align with societal expectations of productivity or success. Self-love looks different for everyone.

Self-compassion is essential for happiness and mental health, and mental health struggles are both caused and exacerbated by negative self-talk. Feeling sad or anxious is already difficult, but when accompanied by self-criticism -“Why am I so weak?” or “Why does everyone else cope with life better than me?” - the pain and suffering become amplified. The sadness or anxiety itself is often bearable, but when accompanied by shame and negative self-talk it becomes unbearable.

Negative self-talk perpetuates shame, which is isolating, and together these compound stress, anxiety, and depression. This can easily lead to burn-out if you’re operating from the principle that no matter how much you do, it will never be enough, and therefore, you will never be enough.

Why is self-love so hard?

Living in modern culture, nobody teaches self-love. Perhaps, from childhood, individuals may be exposed to self-deprecating behaviours or even direct criticism that shapes their self-perception.

Consumerism reinforces feelings of inadequacy by constantly promoting the idea that happiness and self-worth can only be achieved through external validation, whether through possessions, physical appearance, or achieve-ments.

Diet culture dictates that love and acceptance are conditional upon meeting specific beauty standards. Additionally, past experiences with trauma, bullying, or abusive relationships can deeply damage self-esteem.

Social media further compounds these issues as you compare the worst version of your life with the best version of everybody else’s.

Meanwhile, traditional Irish culture values stoicism and humility, with common expressions such as “Don’t be getting notions,” “You’re not special,” and “Who do you think you are?” reinforcing a reluctance to embrace self-compassion.

While resilience is an admirable trait, excessive self-criticism can be harmful, preventing individuals from acknowledging their worth and seeking the support they need.

Self-love is not selfish, on the contrary, taking care of yourself enhances your ability to better support those around you.

While many other people benefit from you disliking yourself because you become easier to control, manipulate, and sell to; you are the one who benefits when you start loving yourself. You gain peace of mind, you chase after your dreams and aspirations, your confidence grows, you stop tolerating toxic and abusive relationships, your mental health improves, and so much more.

Yet, for many, the concept of self-love feels foreign. Understandably, as a lifetime of self-criticism makes it difficult to suddenly shift towards self-compassion. It takes time, effort, and practice to change your relationship with yourself, yet it’s a worthwhile skill that anyone can learn.

For those who struggle with the concept of self-love, starting with self-acceptance can be a more attainable first step.

Over time, acceptance may lead to liking oneself, and perhaps one day, even genuine self-compassion becomes possible.

How to cultivate self-love

Developing self-compassion is similar to nurturing any other relationship, it requires patience, consistency, and effort. By showing up for yourself each day, you gradually build self-trust, the foundation of all relationships. Here are some ways to begin:

• Recognise and challenge negative self-talk.
• Practice daily affirmations - write them on sticky notes or set reminders on your phone.
• Engage in activities you enjoy - schedule time for hobbies or personal interests.
• Write a love letter to yourself.
• Prioritise self-care - Whether it’s a spa day or a lazy day binge-watching Netflix and eating ice cream.
• Give yourself permission to rest.
• Set boundaries - Learn to say no and prioritise your needs.
• Practice self-compassion meditations.
• Unfollow or mute social media accounts that negatively impact self-esteem.
• Move in ways that feel good - whether it’s dancing, yoga, exercise, or a simple walk.
• Seek professional support - a therapist, coach, or support group can provide additional guidance and support.

As you spend every second of the day with yourself and your thoughts, your relationship with yourself is the most important one, and the most worthwhile one to nurture.

Further-more, self-compassion is the antidote to shame, and since shame thrives in isolation, seeking support from a specialised therapist or coach can be invaluable in developing self-compassion.

Mirin Mooney Is A Neurodivergent Affirming Mental Health Coach And Therapist. See www.wildheart-wellness.com.