John Arnold's kiss and tell-all interview...

In his weekly column John Arnold publishes the full 'transcript' of an interview he did with Opera 'Windfree'
John Arnold's kiss and tell-all interview...

DOWN ON THE FARM: John Arnold’s working life is laid bare in a new Hollywood movie... or so he says!

IT now seems very likely that three guaranteed Box Office smash hit films will be shot in the USA this autumn.

Pre-production work has already begun on From An Ace To A Joker — The Trump Years, this is being filmed in Mexico and Nevada in October. There will actually be no actor playing the part of the former President as all the likely candidates passed an IQ test!

Moonlight And Don’t Ever Come Back is a futuristic collaboration between Ryanaired and NASDA dealing with luxury non-return flights and holidays in 178-star hotels on Mars.

The third movie shortly ‘going into the can’ will be of much interest to Irish movie-goers. From Foxy John To Baldy Eagle is an epic biopic which tells the story of a well known Irish semi-public figure of the last 50 years.

John Arnold was known as the man who wanted to ‘Keep Croke Park Closed and Post Offices Open’ — apparently in his mind both campaigns are ongoing. The name of the actor who will portray the complex character of Arnold has not yet been revealed but George Clooney and Michael Douglas are said to be ‘in negations’ with MGM.

In an exclusive today, readers of The Echo can, for the first time, see a full transcript of a ‘kiss and tell’ interview between Arnold and USA TV anchorman Opera Windfree.

The full five-hour interview will be shown live next Monday night on a global basis. An RTÉ spokesman announced today: “Once the Angelus is finished on the telly next Monday evening we will have this interview live until 11pm — with two tea-breaks and one toilet break.”

Opera Windfree (O.W): John Arnold, are you excited at the prospect of the forthcoming film being made about you?

John Arnold (JA): Well ya, kinda but I was on the Late Late and Ear To The Ground so I’m not nervous at all, at all about it and I think this film could be a classic, like The Sound Of Music.

O.W: For over 40 years you have been introduced as a farmer, but the truth really is that, while you’re married to a farmer, you have done very little work on the farm, isn’t that true?

J.A: Ah no, I can tell you since last March I’ve been at home every day, haven’t gone hardly to a meeting, match, mart or concert.  I really have worked very hard as a farmer over the last year, in fact I may have to get my two replacement hips, the right one and the left one, replaced again, that’s pressure and work for you.

O.W: You are a member of the Bartlemy Horse Race Committee with nearly 50 years, yet you know nothing about horses or races or form or breeding, is that true?

J.A: That’s a lie ’cause while I do admit to be a member of the Race Committee, I never actually go to the Races in Bartlemy — I just direct the traffic on the day, straight on or up Devonshire’s Hill.

O.W: You’ve been trying to write pieces on de papers for years, yet your own handwriting was described by a teacher in St Colman’s as ‘pathetic’ — isn’t that correct? Can you tell the viewers about the scandal you were embroiled in about 40 years ago, when you propositioned a local woman and then said it was a mistake and was all over eggs?

J.A: Look, that was a horrible time for me personally and for my family and relations, awful really. A bloody fox came one night and took the five hens we had. We were going at silage two days later and were going to have a big crowd for the dinner and supper. I posted a note to a young woman in the next parish, she kept a lot of poultry so I wrote ‘Could I call for six on Tuesday night about half nine’ I wanted half a dozen eggs for the supper next day; well, she misread six for ‘sex’ and reported me to the Guards and the Parish Priest but ‘twas all a big mistake, I actually got the eggs in Castlelyons.

O.W: When you started farming, it upset many of your neighbours in a very profound way and nearly caused a big split in the community?

J.A: Well, I can tell you the truth now and what exactly happened. We always had a Friesian bull on the farm, for the cows you know, and every year we’d have grand black and white calves. Anyway, I decided to get a Hereford bull, a big huge Red and White fella. ‘Twas then the talk started, the rumours, the nod and wink, people talking about me after Mass of a Sunday — they never said it straight to my face but I knew they were whispering all the time, everywhere. They were worried about what the skin colour of the Hereford calves would be, that was it, the cause of all the trouble; sure colour of skin makes no difference at all, at all.

O.W: Tell the truth John, are you pure useless around the farm and the house? Go on and tell the viewers, for instance, did you ever, even once wire a plug?

J.A: Well, no I never did, but in fairness a few years back I changed the bulb in the outside toilet.

O.W: It has been widely reported that, since 1981, you never bought a stitch of clothes, is that true, is it meanness or what?

J.A: An absolute lie, I bought handkerchiefs once, and in Lourdes in 2008 I bought a sunhat.

O.W: The recent stockbroking scandal has hit the headlines and from documents in my possession it seems as if you are involved...

J.A: No way, the only stock I had was livestock...

O.W: Over the years, you did a lot of singing and storytelling and telling jokes in Carrignavar, Dunhill, Conna, Gortroe, Killeagh, Ballintotis, Whitechurch, Blarney, Castlelyons, Glanworth, Mitchelstown and Knockanore, is that correct?

J.A: Oh yes, and other places too.

O.W: And in all these places you charged up to €1,000 a night — in cash.

J.A: I never did, I might have got a box of chocolates or something like that

O.W: It seems you never told the Revenue Commissioners about this ‘income’ and you invested it in stocks and shares and now the truth is coming out, what do you have to say to that now?

J.A: I think it will be cold and showery for a few days but the long term outlook is better.

O.W: It seems that your relationship with ‘The Farm’ is strained at present?

J.A: Yes, I strained all the wire around the fields in recent times to keep the cows from breaking out.

O.W: You’re supposedly a life-long Pioneer yet I have here receipts from hotels in Cork and Kerry where you regularly stay and on each and every occasion you finished your six course meal with sherry trifle — what do you say to that now?

J.A: No comment, but I give up coffee every Lent and I can still eat coffee cake.

O.W: They say you know the price of everything and the value of nothing, you are regarded as a smart fella but you have a very dark secret in your past, haven’t you?

J.A: Well yes, I can’t sleep in the dark if that’s what you mean?

O.W: Nonsense. When Oliver Cromwell came to Ireland he started destroying all the churches and monasteries — isn’t that right?

J.A: Don’t remember, I’m not that old.

O.W: When Cromwell went back to England, his son in law Henry Ireton was left to finish off the terrible destruction…

J.A: Correct, and when Ireton died of a fever they put his body in a barrel of rum to ‘cure’ him and sent him back to England for burial

O.W: Yes, but then who finished Cromwell’s bloody campaign in Ireland, who took charge of the Army? A captain John Arnold, another cruel monster. John Arnold — a coincidence, maybe — but tell us the truth now, was this Captain John Arnold an ancestor of yours?

J.A: No comment, I know nothing about tracing relations, sorry, I must go, just got a text there’s a cow calving… I’m outta here, I’m gone.

From Foxy John To Baldy Eagle, it should be a revealing film, coming soon to a screen near you.

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