'I can actually be present for all of it': Recovering alcoholics on being sober at Christmas

Christmas can be a difficult time for those in active addiction, but there are still difficulties for those who are in recovery.

Three recovering alcoholics from Cork shared their experience of Christmas before and after giving up alcohol.

One man told The Echo: “Christmas when I was drinking was tough — I was always very out of it, I was used to drinking all day but during Christmas it was much harder because there were a lot more eyes on me.

“I tried to buy drink in advance, but I remember one Christmas, I hadn’t so I took eight cans of beer that my family had in the garage and brought them up to my room at 9am and I was going up and down the stairs drinking them.

“But it wasn’t enough, so it was such a struggle to get through the day.

“I kept getting hungover and I just couldn’t steal enough drink, so I was just sitting on the couch for hours thinking about where I was going to get my next drink until it was an appropriate time to start drinking in front of my family.

“By the time it got to dinner, I was feeling so sh*t, and even once the drink started flowing and I was trying to sneak as much of it as I could, I couldn’t go for the hard spirits like I wanted to.

“I’ve also spent Christmases abroad, I was living by myself so just woke up and started drinking right away, was drinking all day then had to go to a friend’s house — I arrived completely out of it, and I was supposed to bring something over but I had put no effort in.

“I remember just wishing for that part of the day to be over, I left early because I just wanted to go back home and drink by myself again.”

This will be his second Christmas sober. Reflecting on last year, he said: “It was a bit of a blur, I was 12 weeks sober and I didn’t want to drink again so I didn’t feel tempted.

“This year I have more time behind me, I feel good in myself but I am much more anxious about this Christmas.

“It’s not that I’m tempted to drink, but for normal people there’s a lot of things on at Christmas, a lot more talk about drinking in December than other months so I’m listening to that, getting invited a lot more places and there’s always an air of anxiety.

“Once I get there I always have a great time, but it’s a lot to get used to — Christmas is just such a different experience when you’re not just constantly desiring that next drink.”

A woman, who will be celebrating her third sober Christmas, told The Echo: “When I was drinking, I used to get the turkey on at 6am and the first thing I’d do then was pour myself a glass of wine — it seemed like it was an okay thing to do on Christmas day. I wouldn’t hide it, I’d actually try to force it on others around me too, so that it would normalise it.

“I stopped feeling that real core excitement — when the kids were opening their presents I would wish they would hurry up so I could put the turkey on and have that glass of wine — I’d be rushing them through the whole thing and I just felt numb and not joyful.

“But equally, all the difficult family dynamics, the intensity of it all, the moods of the kids felt manageable when I was drinking. In recovery, I found Christmas really challenging the first year — it was a lot of emotions to deal with without alcohol but I realised I can be really mad or really sad then really excited the next day, all these feelings come but they also go away really quickly.

“I had to ask for there to be no alcohol in the house on Christmas Day, I am not the kind of person who can be around others having a drink.

“Luckily my family were happy with that, they are normal drinkers so they can choose not to have a drink — I had to drink, and now I have to not drink.

“I have to mind myself a lot around the Christmas period, I remember a fireworks event on New Year’s Eve, I went to thank the organisers, and they handed me a glass of champagne.

“It was the first time someone had handed me a drink and it was the hardest thing in the world not to take it, even though before that I’d had no intentions of drinking.

“When I was offered, my brain said ‘surely you can just have the one?’ and I had to physically force myself to walk away, but it rattled me.

“I knew it had been really close.

“What I’d say to everyone in early recovery is you need to be around people who are not going to hand you a drink.”

However, she added: “There are lots of things about being sober at Christmas that are just fabulous. I remember every part of Christmas Day, I can’t wait for the kids to wake up and open their presents, I enjoy making dinner and even doing the washing up.

“I can actually be present for all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly sides of Christmas, and I don’t have to worry about hiding anything or being too tipsy and ruining the day.”

Another man told The Echo: “Before I got sober, Christmas would have been full of drink and stress and broken promises — making plans with people and thinking I’d go to all these things then not showing up.

“Christmas Eve, going out for pints and being out all night then completely ruining Christmas Day.”

This will be his second Christmas sober, and he said: “It’s easier if you avoid the situations that could trigger you, and be picky about where you go.

“I would still socialise but only with people who have my best interest at heart.

“I can go out for dinner with my lifelong friends even if there’s drink there, but I wouldn’t go near a work party.

“My family definitely enjoy Christmas a lot more now, they don’t have to worry about me. When I say I’ll be there on a certain day, I’ll be there, and I won’t bring any stress to the house.”