Cork woman says Féileacáin's support service gave her hope after the loss of her baby girl

“It was a very difficult, dark time of my life. I thought I would never have hope, but there is, and Féileacáin gave me that”.

Those are the words of Cork woman Carmel O’Shea, who went through the ordeal of her baby failing to survive the birth 11 years ago.

The devastated Cobh mother found solace and support from Féileacáin, a still-birth and neonatal death support service.

This nationwide service was founded by a group of bereaved parents in 2009. They met and began talking about their loss and realised that they had no photographs or mementos of their babies.

They wanted to support other bereaved parents through what is a very dark time. They chose the name Féileacáin as it is the Irish for butterfly.

Many ancient civilisations believed that butterflies were the symbol for the human soul. In Irish mythology, the butterfly is said to be the spirit of the departed, who returns to visit their favourite place and loved ones, to reassure them that they are alright.

One person who availed of their services in Cork was Carmel O’Shea.

In 2013, she became pregnant. Everything was going well until she discovered her baby girl, Maddie, had a heart defect.

Carmel was told it would mean an operation when the baby was born. However, at 32 weeks, on June 12, 2013, Maddie didn’t survive the birth.

Carmel said “I was in total denial. Maddie was warm and I was just waiting for her to cry as she looked so perfect and beautiful.”

Precious photographs 

Kaileigh, her then ten-year-old daughter, had been given a camera for Christmas and all she wanted to do was photograph her sister. There was initially a negative reaction to this, but the more people said it wasn’t right to photograph her deceased baby girl, the more Carmel decided that it was the right thing to do.

So, Kaileigh took a lot of photographs of Maddie, and these are very precious to the family to this day.

Kaileigh then asked when were they bringing Maddie home?

Again, there was a negative reaction to this, but Carmel thought that, when her nan had died, they brought her home to wake her, so why wasn’t it possible to bring Maddie home?

She said it to a nurse, and the nurse told her that they had cuddle cots from Féileacáin, which would help her to bring Maddie home.

Upon leaving the hospital, Carmel was also given a memory box from the charity. She accepted the box, but was in such a state of grief, she didn’t open it.

Her daughter Kaileigh initially carried on as if there was nothing wrong, which was a huge support to Carmel and her husband Peter. Carmel remembered Kaileigh walking around their house talking to Maddie, saying things like “This would have been your bedroom”.

Carmel said: “Everything felt normal when Maddie was there, but after the funeral I just plummeted.

“I couldn’t understand why the world wouldn’t stop, just like mine had done.

“I was in a very dark place and, after a few weeks like this, I knew I needed to talk to someone who had gone through the same experience”.

Carmel then remembered the box she had been given in hospital and opened it to see if she could find a telephone number of someone that could help her.

As she opened it, she could get the scent of her small baby from the items in the box. The first thing she found was ink prints of Maddie’s feet and her hand that the midwife had taken in hospital. It meant the world to her to have them.

'It was the first time I felt normal after losing Maddie'

Carmel eventually summoned up the courage to go to a Féileacáin support meeting and said that it was the best decision she ever made.

“It was the first time I felt normal after losing Maddie.

“I asked the facilitators (also bereaved parents) how long I was going to feel this way and was told it is different for everyone, but you will carry it all your life.

“It was a very difficult, dark time of my life. I thought I would never have hope but there is and Féileacáin gave me that.”

In 2015, Carmel was asked if she would be interested in doing prints in the hospitals of the babies’ hands and feet who failed to survive birth.

“I didn’t think twice about it. I went for training of how to do clay prints which are then given to other volunteers to glaze.”

As well as helping to take clay prints of babies’ hands and feet, Carmel now facilitates support meetings and helps with Féileacáin workshops.

“I get relief from helping Féileacáin. I feel my pain and loss wasn’t for nothing,” she said.

“Obviously, I would prefer to have twelve-year-old Maddie in my life. But I get solace from the fact that someone is getting something from the dark part of my life.”

Féileacáin's support

There is a strong need for a support service for grieving parents of babies as, according to CSO figures in 2021, there were 152 neonatal deaths (under four weeks) and 122 still-births in Ireland.

Féileacáin works with the maternity hospitals nationwide, supplying memory boxes and cuddle cots, as well as advice and support to bereaved families. The cuddle cot is a tiny cot that the charity supplies so that the parents can keep their baby close to them, or bring it home to wake their baby if they wish.

Many parents say how important the memories are of the short time they get to spend with their babies. They find it comforting to have reminders that they can look at and hold.

The memory box supplied by the charity helps with this. It holds a blanket, a tiny cardigan and hat made especially for babies by bereaved parents and grandparents. There are also two teddies, one to be kept by the parent and one to go with the baby.

There are also two hearts with butterflies on them, and ink paper to take prints of the babies’ hands and feet in the box.

The organisation also supplies the hospital with high-resolution cameras so the families can take photos of their babies for their family album.

As well as memory-making, Féileacáin supplies counselling, social work advice, befriending services, play therapy, support meetings, workshops and services of remembrance.

For anyone needing their support, Feileacáin can be contacted on 085 249 6464,028 51301 or admin@feilacain.ie. 

See https://feileacain.ie/.