Lads2Dads group offers support for fathers in Cork at its meet-ups

Becoming a parent for the first time is a big transition. New mothers are recovering from birth, dealing with hormones, figuring out feeding and getting used to spending their days taking care of a new born baby. For first time dads, it’s a huge adjustment too. They are learning to be a new parent, trying to be a supportive partner, and often returning to work on very little sleep.

Shane O’Connor, from Spancill Hill, Co Clare, moved to Cork three years ago with his partner Hazel. In 2022, they welcomed their son Bodhi.

For Shane, the transition to fatherhood was challenging, and he noticed the lack of support for new dads.

“It was a steep learning curve and adjustment period,” says Shane. “It’s the same for mothers, but for fathers there’s no ‘manual’ or real support.”

During the early days, Shane struggled with adjusting to parenthood, supporting his partner and managing work on top of sleep deprivation.

“I was constantly second guessing myself,” he says.

A turning point came when he joined an online men’s group and felt the benefit of talking to other men with similar stories and experiences.

“It was one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life,” he says.

“It’s so important for men to come together,” says Shane.

“It creates a sense of belonging and community.”

Shane realised that he hadn’t really spoken to other men in preparation for becoming a dad.

“Before Bodhi was born, I could count on one hand the number of dads I sat down with and talked about what fatherhood was like,” he says.

Noticing the lack of support for dads in Cork City, Shane decided to take the initiative and set up Lads2Dads, a peer-led support group for dads. They meet on a Saturday afternoon around once a month in Cork Lotus Yoga Studio on Carey’s Lane, which is owned by Shane’s partner Hazel.

A catalyst for Shane starting the group was his decision to give up alcohol last October.

“That allowed me to focus my energy and turn to getting something set up.”

Shane says the group is a safe space for dads and soon-to-be dads “of all ages, from all walks of life” to share the joys and challenges of fatherhood, without the feeling of being judged.

“It’s not a place to get fixed,” he says.

At a typical meeting, Shane welcomes attendees into the studio, where there’s tea made and bolster cushions to sit on. He goes through the principles of the group, including self-care, non-judgement, confidentiality and no advice-giving. After introductions, Shane invites attendees to share something they are enjoying about fatherhood, and something that’s been challenging. After that, they open it up to whatever people want to share. At the first meeting in April, nine dads showed up.

“One topic that came up in the first group is that men had struggled with supporting their partner during breastfeeding,” he says.

Shane hopes to bring external experts into the group to address different topics, and has already had lactation consultants reach out and offer to do a session for new dads. The group is free of charge, and Shane is committed to keeping it that way.

“It will always be free,” he says.

Shane believes there needs to be more support services for men before and after the birth of their child. However, he says it’s down to men to ask for the help they need. “The onus needs to be on us to ask for it.”

“It took a long time to put my hand up and say ‘I’m struggling’,” he says.

He acknowledges that men are often afraid to ask for help.

“It’s been ingrained in men for a long time to keep the head down,” he says.

He notices a change in attitudes, with more groups and activities for dads popping up around the country.

“I do think there’s a shift happening, a slow shift,” he says.

For Shane, the biggest thing he has gained from the group so far is seeing other men benefit from it.

“I sense they are getting a lot off their chest and shoulders,” he says.

He also appreciates the chance to make new connections in his adopted county.

“I moved to Cork in the middle of the pandemic, and I work remotely so have no colleagues,” says Shane. “It’s nice to meet men who are like-minded.”

At the moment, the meetings in Cork Lotus Yoga are child-free events, but Shane is aware that this isn’t feasible for some dads. He plans to organise weekend meet-ups in Fitzgerald Park too, where kids are welcome. Details of forthcoming meetings can be found on @Lads2dadscork on Instagram, and anyone interested can send a message and ask to be added to the WhatsApp group.