‘Sometimes the child gets forgotten during separation’: Cork social worker hopes book will provide support to families 

A Youghal social worker has written a book designed to help primary school children navigate their parents’ break-up, and which can also help guide relatives and friends in providing effective support.

Deirdre McCarthy, who has over a decade of experience working with children and families, has written It’s Not Fair: Bród’s Journey Through Their Parents’ Break-Up,to help children understand the challenges of parental separation and divorce in modern society.

The book is beautifully illustrated by Bex Sheridan, an experienced literary artist.

Deirdre previously worked with Tusla, and now runs her own business ‘Family 3:Social Work and Family Consultancy’, and has experience working through the courts, to ascertain the voice of the child, during custody and access disputes. This is where she saw a glaring need for such a book from her own professional experiences.

“I could see how children were getting lost among their parents’ hurt so I wanted to create something that would help parents understand their children’s feelings and help them feel happy, healthy, safe, and loved; to give children tools to know they’re not alone, help them feel heard and build their own internal support system,” she said.

The gender-neutral book, that references all types of relationships and not just traditional marriage, is aimed primarily at 4-11 year olds, and Deirdre has also created a wellbeing kit which includes a stuffed toy (of Bród the rabbit), and other regulation tools.

“It gives a child support to understand their feelings, as the story includes a feelings gauge where a teacher shows the main character how to identify how they’re feeling.

“It also brings in the concept of having access to ‘safety friends’, people a child can talk to, and it gives children the language to support each other,” said Deirdre.

Even if a child hasn’t experienced relationship breakdown in their own family, they’ll likely know someone who has, she said.

“It’s a social issue and this helps promote empathy among friends, cousins, etc.”

The book also includes a workbook, exclusively for the child experiencing the challenges of their parents’ beak-up and, among other things there’s practical weekly planner for parents and sections to highlight routines.

“A lot of time, parents communicate with each other, but not directly with the child. I have heard children saying, ‘I don’t know where I’m going or who is collecting me today’. These are very basic things, but still parents can miss them because of what’s going on, and this is all about helping them navigate their new world.”

Communication through the process is vital, she said.

“They don’t need the adult information, so it needs to be age-appropriate and neutral, and not mention blame so the child doesn’t feel the need to choose between parents, which can tend to happen.”

Through her work, Deirdre says she sees ‘very hurt people’.

“Their only way to control a situation might not necessarily be in the best interest of the child because of this. Sometimes the child gets forgotten and is torn between two worlds and two parents they love, and two parents that love them. Ultimately, both parents are behaving out of love but it’s misguided through the hurt. My goal is helping to build relationships within the family, pulling back from the adversarial processes, where parents can’t even talk directly to each other, and trying to move from court to the kitchen table, to a more holistic and child-centred way of managing the ups and downs that come with breaking up, and the obstacles that it brings.

“No matter how far down the line a family has gone, you can pull back, even from court. If you can get to a point where both parents are OK with communicating with each other in the best interest of the child, that’s a win, but sometimes they need help from someone to guide them to that.”

Deirdre, who is also a trauma-informed professional coach and lecturer, has just written the second book as part of the series called Goodbye Twitch. Bród’s journey with sadness. “It’s where Bród’s pet ladybird called Twitch dies, and it introduces the concept of loss and grief. It doesn’t sugar coat things but is about knowing that things can be ‘ok’, and not about things needing to be perfect, which is an important life lesson,” said Deirdre. She hopes to bring this to print in the autumn.

Deirdre, 43, is very open about her own life experiences of becoming a mother at 17 and how returning to education in 2011 changed her life. Bringing her own lived experiences means that she has an in-depth understanding and empathy for those that she works with, and her goal is to ensure that her work is holistic and strengthens families rather than creates additional trauma, by using her Bród method of support.

• The book is available on the Irish-owned retail platform, Buythebook.ie and additional resources and information are available on Deirdre’s website at www.family3fsc.com