Tips from therapist on how to keep your love alive

An engagement ring is a beautiful reminder of romance, and yet, for couples planning a lifetime together, the most meaningful commitment may not fit within a velvet box.

As a couples therapist and a romantic at heart, I am passionate about keeping love alive. Love thrives when it is nurtured. This guidance is offered to those currently planning a wedding, a long-term commitment like moving in together, or expecting their first child.

For a moment, look beyond the ‘rock’ on the finger, the white dress, the cake, and the wedding event itself. Let us be honest: the celebration has the potential to be immense fun and is a hugely important, symbolic milestone. However, there is great value in investing in the long-term health of your bond.

This is about more than just the commitment of choosing a life partner. It is about the ‘how-to’ of enjoying that commitment for decades to come. What will it take to continue showing up for one another with the same warmth and enthusiasm you feel today? While you are busy planning for the big day, a private, tailored pre-marriage course is an investment that pays dividends for years to come.

Relationship Education: A New Tradition

We are not taught relationship skills in school. Consequently, we often enter marriage equipped only with what we observed in our childhood homes or absorbed from media. By identifying your unique strengths and growth opportunities now, you prevent destructive patterns from becoming entrenched later. Prevention is consistently better than a cure.

There is a long-standing tradition of pre-marital preparation in Ireland and across many global cultures. It is considered a worthwhile preparation to create a happy, stable family unit. There is a vital benefit in bringing this ‘early intervention’ to all long-term relationships, religious or non-religious.

It is helpful to clarify that this preparation is not therapy. A pre-marital course safeguards your bond from outside stress and internal neglect. Think of it as ‘marital insurance’. While the investment is for the future, the benefits are experienced in the here-and-now.

You give focused attention to the life you are building and learn the skills to sustain genuine connection. Engaging in these conversations early provides couples with a clear map, allowing them to navigate their differences with confidence and mutual respect.

Merging Different Backgrounds

Whether a couple share the same nationality or not, they are inevitably bringing together the unique ‘micro-cultures’ of two different families. These early environments shape how we show up as partners and parents. They influence our expectations of gender roles, extended family, domestic duties, and decision-making. If unspoken rules and unconscious expectations are not ironed out, they can cause issues down the line.

By building your own marriage, you give yourselves and any future children the gift of stability. These serious subjects are navigated in a collaborative, light-hearted way. This ensures you learn to appreciate, rather than feel threatened by, your unique differences.

Sustaining the Spark

The course highlights how to nurture love, passion, and play over a lifetime. We look at how to keep ‘dating’ each other and the importance of appreciating your partner despite their flaws. Special focus is given to navigating different sexual appetites and keeping intimacy alive when life gets busy. Physical touch can remain a daily point of connection, rather than a gesture reserved solely for sex. It also requires being mindful of our digital habits. Is your phone the first thing you reach for in the morning and the last thing you touch at night?

Money Talks

Money can be a ‘hot topic’ that causes tension. We navigate the complexities of managing a household while preserving autonomy and security. We also address income levels, career changes, and child-rearing. Instead of seeing a ‘saver’ as frugal or a ‘spender’ as reckless, the goal is to learn to appreciate the motivations behind those differences.

Bundles of Joy

Few couples take time to discuss the delight of becoming parents alongside the reality of maintaining intimacy once children arrive.

The conversation spans everything from childcare and faith (if relevant), to sensitive topics. We can discuss, if you wish, supporting a child with an intellectual disability or neurodivergence, or the path forward if you face difficulties in conceiving.

Talking Without the Tailspin

The best time to build relational skills is at the honeymoon stage. The session focuses on ‘talking so your partner will listen and listen so your partner will talk’. This helps avoid the pitfalls of mind-reading. Tools are provided to navigate difference without ‘steam-rolling’ or shutting down. This ensures you both feel seen and heard even when you do not agree. We explore the vital skill of a true apology.

Keep the Faith

Couples are encouraged to identify what charges their battery and keeps their zest for life intact. Whether your ‘sanctuary’ is a religious path, nature, or a commitment to self-care, these rituals are vital for your sanity.

The goal is to help you respect your partner’s rituals, especially when they differ from yours. A relationship is only as healthy as the two people in it. Taking responsibility for your own wellbeing is a necessity for a thriving partnership.

Happily Ever After…

The beginning of a marriage is a time of learning and adapting. A facilitator can help you be proactive rather than reactive. By bringing up the conversations that are too often avoided, you deepen your love.

A marriage cannot make you happy; you make your marriage happy. By prioritising quality time and shared interests while maintaining your autonomy, you ensure a healthy connection. To invest in your marriage is the most important and rewarding project you will ever undertake. A wedding is a beautiful beginning. The most rewarding part of the journey is the intentional work of becoming the partners you both wish to be for a lifetime.

• Sandra Carroll, an experienced couples psychotherapist based in Cork, works with couples from all over Ireland who travel for in-person sessions or connect online. She facilitates private, tailored pre-marriage and commitment courses for couples. www.midletonpsychotherapy.com