Julie Helen: 'I can accept that day to day living can be challenging, but there’s a line'

After writing about a September reset last week, I thought about the things that keep me ticking over.

People often refer to ‘non-negotiables’ in their life, whether it comes to health, fitness, nutrition or routine.

Actually, the most important non-negotiable in my head is that I can ‘push through’ and get the things I need to do, done.

Sometimes, it can be a need to push through procrastination and a lack of motivation. Sometimes, I just have to really make sure I cop myself on and stop avoiding annoying jobs. Other times, I need to push through a feeling of exhaustion.

I get tired easily with Cerebral Palsy, and I question how I will stay going, but adrenalin is a great friend of mine and tends to show up when I need it the most. I can pull an all-nighter or get up super-early to get important tasks done ahead of a deadline.

Of course, I will have procrastinated to a ridiculous degree first and that is my downfall, but I didn’t become a journalist for no reason, I’m a deadline junkie.

The last critical point where I need to push through on a regular basis is to push through pain and tightness caused by my physical disability. This has always been a secret weapon, that I straddle the world of being able to walk with two sticks and use a wheelchair for the less stressful or busy times. Walking is a privilege I cling to.

In recent times, I have a ‘catch’ in the back of my knee, causing excruciating pain but also causing me to fall and not be able to trust my body and know I will be able to push through when I really need to.

As a disabled person, it’s probably quite impressive to get as far as 40 before losing sincere trust of my body in terms of walking.

I first lost the ability to walk everywhere I needed to when I was 11. I remember it so well, sitting in McDonald’s while mum ran errands in town one day because I just couldn’t keep up. I got a wheelchair after that but could always walk from one point to another if I really had to and could suffer pain and fatigue in the days that followed.

Now, I’m getting stuck and once or twice I even got scared, and the biggest no-no of all is that I would feel scared while trying to only do the ordinary activities of daily living.

That last little bit of fuel or muscle to push through is so vital for me, so that I can always get myself out of trouble in a physical way.

I need to protect my ability to push through, and to get it back to a level where I can trust myself again.

I called a physio and chased the next steps for a new wheelchair. I can accept that day to day living can be challenging but there’s a line. My line lies at being scared. Being frightened of being on my own out in the world is not okay. Even after one session of physio, the catch in my leg has lessened and he promises we can make it better. I’ve had one appointment about a new wheelchair and they too have promised the pain I experience can be changed.

As a way to reset, I am making a promise to myself not to allow a feeling of being scared to overwhelm me or hold me back, but also if something is genuinely scary I must address it rather than ignore it. Here goes!