Wife struck by livestock whip wished she were dead due to coercive control
Olivia Kelleher
A man who struck his wife with a livestock whip, repeatedly threatened and called her abusive names, insisted on knowing who she was meeting and constantly made sexual demands of her will be sentenced next month, having pleaded guilty to a charge of coercive control.
The Central Criminal Court sitting in Cork heard that the 50-year-old would blame his wife if she had her period when he wanted to have sex, whilst he also sulked when he was required to go to family events, which did not appeal to him.
Ms Justice Siobhan Lankford was told that the victim in the case often wished she were dead during the campaign of abuse towards her. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, hurled the abusive term c**t at her on numerous occasions.
He subjected the woman to what she described as daily “torture.”
His now former wife opted to make a victim impact statement to the court.
She said that her life was a constant cycle of being degraded. Her husband was always mocking her appearance and weight, and he undermined and criticised her every effort in life.
She said that he once referred to their home and said: “I will burn you in it, you c*** before you live in it.” She recalled that on one occasion, when she refused to have sex with him, he said that she had “energy for everything else” and that he was “well down the list.”
The man also had an affair and sent a text to his then-wife instead of the woman he was seeing. When she read the text, she was on holiday with her in-laws.
The woman said that she spent a lot of time crying in her bedroom as the foul language towards her never stopped.
“It is so difficult to put into words the full extent and effect of coercive control - but the two words I would use are relentless and torturous.
"The constant critical and demeaning running commentary on everything I did - the name-calling never stopped.
He controlled who I could be friends with and tried to turn me against my own family."
She said that her husband tried to isolate her and control who she did or didn’t see.
"Everyone was walking on eggshells (around him). If he was not happy, then nobody could be happy."
"Even if he was 200 miles away, he would still have the ability to instil fear in me. I would give in to his demands just to have peace in the house. No matter what I did, it was never good enough.
"I was exhausted from trying to please.
"I was drip-fed moments of happiness, but as time went on, they became less and less frequent."
"He would crush these moments and let me know that my happiness was under his control."
"I was stuck in a vicious pattern of control. I started to realise that all his actions were premeditated. I became a shell of myself."
The woman said that she had considered ending her life by suicide.
"I thought about taking my own life. I thought I would be better off dead, that I would be better off up in heaven with my brother. I just could not take it anymore."
"My head felt like it would explode. My chest was so heavy, my stomach was in knots, and I was retching. I wanted it to just stop."
"I could not continue to live this way. I knew I had to leave the relationship for my children. I did not bring children into this world to be living the way we were living."
"It was my children who gave me the strength and courage to end the relationship."
"My confidence was completely eroded - I kept overthinking everything I said or did. I felt so stupid and useless from the constant degradation and humiliation."
The man who has four previous convictions, and who previously spent time in prison arising from a fatal incident, admitted that he “knowingly and persistently engaged in behaviour that was controlling and coercive with the intention of having a serious effect on the relevant person.”
The offending behaviour related to his behaviour from January 1st, 2019, to September 8th, 2020.
The man said that individuals in his family were known for having short tempers.
His defence barrister Brendan Grehan SC, indicated that his client had self-referred to a programme called Men Overcoming Violent Emotions (MOVE) in a bid to address his anger issues.
Mr Grehan said that there wasn’t “any exemption for (the family) temper under the law.”
“There is no excuse. He cannot escape his personal responsibility by blaming it on family genetics.”
"He wants to apologise to her for his behaviour. He wishes her well. Furthermore, he hopes that they can both be good parents (to their children)
Sentencing in the case was adjourned until June 3rd next to allow Ms Justice Siobhan Lankford to consider case law and a number of other legal issues.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, you can contact Women’s Aid (24-hour freephone helpline at 1800-341 900, email helpline@womensaid.ie) or Men’s Aid Ireland (confidential helpline at 01-554 3811, email hello@mensaid.ie) for support and information.
Safe Ireland also offers a number of local services and helplines at safeireland.ie/get-help/where-to-find-help/. In the case of an emergency, always dial 999/112.
