John Dolan: Dear €250m winner, you must be female to keep this secret!

Eleven days after they woke up a multi-millionaire beyond their wildest dreams, the holder of the Cork €250m Euromillions-winning ticket remains a complete mystery to all but (perhaps) their nearest and dearest and a few lottery bigwigs.

It could be you. It could be you. It could be bloody anyone!

As frustrating as that might be for us journalists who love a good story - and a good news story in the current climate is certainly worth its weight in gold - you have to give kudos to the anonymous recipient of the largest ever jackpot in Irish history.

And I use the word recipient deliberately - since I reckon a consortium of winners would find it impossible to keep that sum of money quiet for so long.

No, my money (such as it is) is on the €250m winner who bought the ticket on Centra in Shandon Street being a single ticket-holder - and, furthermore, my money is on that person being female.

I mean, come on, do you know a man who could keep the lid on such a secret for so long?! Bunch of blabbermouths, the lot of us.

And no, I’m not fishing here - although there is a good chance that a very lucky woman is sat reading this wondering if the net is closing in (or a very lucky man is sat reading this chuckling at another red herring...).

The harsh truth for journalists, and for nosey and curious people across the city and county, is that we are no closer to identifying the quarter-billionaire in our midst than we were when it was announced the winning ticket had been sold in Ireland.

Although I can definitively rule out one contender for the pot of gold: Me.

Reader, I was away on the Isle of Man with friends last week - and we even chipped in to buy £45 worth of Euromillions tickets the day of the draw, once we heard the jackpot was so vast (since, you know, who would even get out of bed for a mere €100m?).

That evening, we dreamed of getting filthy rich, and spent a happy hour or two pondering how we would spend our winnings. Honestly, it was almost as good as winning the jackpot... almost.

Mauritius was mentioned, as was a red Lamborghini, one with those doors that go up and out (sad sack, he even had the colour chosen).

One guy tried to puncture our reverie by talking about the ‘good’ he could do with all that money, but we shouted the do-gooder down and carried on with our spending spree.

One pal - the only one not married - said he would join some celebrity dating app where all the Love Island girls hang out - and I reckon it was around about then that the gods intervened and tore up our ticket.

Later that night, my phone pinged to say the winning €250m jackpot ticket had been sold... back home in Ireland. Damnit. Yet again, the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Suffice to say, my friend’s red Lamborghini is back in the garage.

What would YOU do if you won that much money? Would you tell the world and his wife? Or nobody, not even the wife?!

Would you be able to sleep? Would you be afraid to splurge even a few quid in fear of being outed?

And where in the Jesus, Mary, and the wee donkey world would you keep the ticket safe until the lotto people were informed?

So many questions, and the winner is still keeping their cards close to their chest. Bravo, ma’am.

Getting your head around such a vast sum as €250m is nigh on impossible.

However, had the money been claimed the day after the win and stored straight in a bank, it would have earned interest of €260,000 alone in the past ten days.

Ye gods.

Let’s say you decide that a good ploy would be to take €50m for spending now - keeping the other €175m in the bank.

You could do a lot of damage with that ‘downpayment’.

The richest property in Ireland is reportedly Ballynatray House right here in the Rebel County, an 18th century Georgian mansion set in 850 acres of countryside, with views over the River Blackwater, upriver of Youghal.

That’s €30m gone in a heartbeat - but it’s not really gone, as the property will probably be worth €35m next year!

Talk about money going to money, Spending cash when you are as wealthy as Crassus really is not as easy as you think.

Of course, you will want a holiday too - and far away from prying Corkonian eyes. So Santa Ponsa is out then.

A stay on Necker Island, tycoon Richard Branson’s private island resort in the Caribbean, starts at €4,700 per night. So a month there would only set you back €145,000.

Cheap as chips.

Now for your wheels.

If you want to make my friend insanely jealous, you could splash out on the most expensive Lamborghini in the world, the Veneno Roadster, priced at €7m. But hang on, what would the neighbours say? Oh yes, you’ve moved out to East Cork into that large pile so they won’t have a clue... talking of which, better employ some security guards to man the entrance to keep away grasping former friends and relatives and media riff-raff.

Our female winner will surely want to pick up some gladrags. A Dolce & Gabbana pleated printed cotton-poplin midi dress will set you back just €1,850 (oh god, I hope my missus doesn’t check my Google searches...).

And a Gucci leather-trimmed handbag will be a further €2,250 - gotta have somewhere to stash that bulging purse.

Fancy going for a run? Golden Goose sneakers, made of distressed ostrich (I bet it was) and suede, cost a cool €1,150.

Dressing up? You can get some Christian Louboutin heels for €845. Penneys, hun? Nah, Net-A-Porter.

Fancy a bite to eat?

The Eight Course Tasting Menu at Patrick Guilbaud, a two-Michelin-starred restaurant in Dublin, costs €275, and includes Croquette of Suckling Pig, Fried Quail Egg, Foie Gras, Hand Dived Scallops (no more dredged-up ones for you), and Anjou Squab Pigeon.

You can ditch the fish finger butties now, it’s caviar all the way.

And after all this, you will still have a few million in change left, and that €175m you stashed away for a rainy day.

They say money can’t buy you happiness.

But, mystery lotto multi-millionaire of Cork, I truly hope you give it a lash, girl.