Time to wash in the stream... and bring dirty dishes and laundry with me

“WOULD it be preferable,” I eventually inquired in chilly tones, “to just wash the dishes, the laundry and myself in the stream below?”

The start of the working week. Monday, 6.30pm. Day One behind us. Dinner had been made and eaten. The table cleared. But the shriek at the sound of tap-water rushing into the kettle shattered the evening tranquillity.

“Don’t over-fill it! “Don’t boil it!” Kettles are killers, didn’t you know. It costs about twice as much as it did to boil a kettle six months ago. Did you know the average household boils the kettle around 1,500 times a year? Someone, in less beleaguered times, clearly did a study (possibly with the lights off) and worse, someone else read it.

If you’re cute, you’ll only heat as much as you use, and if you absolutely must, for some life-or-death reason, bring your kettle to a quick boil, you only boil barely what you need. Or get used to tepid tea. Cute hoors only ever set the dishwasher going on a full load and only on the eco setting. And, presumably they only run it late at night when electricity is cheaper. More on this later.

“We can’t keep boiling full kettles to make one cup of tea,” declared the (self-appointed) Head of the Household Economy Drive.

Next thing, we had a machine that boils just one single cup of water at a time. It’s quick and efficient and doesn’t take up much space. Nothing to complain about.

“Fine,” I said with weariness. “What about the dried-in burnt stuff on baking trays and saucepans or casserole dishes? Do they go into the dishwasher? Or can they come under the ‘must boil water for’ category?”

There was no answer. The Head of the Household Economy Drive (HHED) was too busy rushing around ensuring all lights and appliances were switched off at the plug, because he’d read that even the TV can use up to 20% more energy when it’s in standby mode.

Sighing, I started to rinse the dishes in cold water before stacking them into the dishwasher. The HHED hurried in to complain that somebody had left a light on in the hall.

“People have to start taking this stuff seriously,” he declared. “This is serious.”

“What am I supposed to do about burned-in stuff on saucepans and things?” I inquired through gritted teeth. “Can the kettle be boiled for that?”

“God, no. We just have to make sure that we don’t burn the food when we’re cooking the dinner. We can’t just go boiling kettles at the drop of a hat!”

“There’s no ‘we’ in this house when it comes to the cooking, Tonto,” I muttered sourly. He ignored this.

“We’ll try to avoid burns but otherwise we’ll just soak things in cold or tepid water; good God, there’s no need for boiling kettle after kettle!”

This is a phrase that would start resounding through my dreams, I thought.

“Let it flow,” I told myself, and took a breath. I finished the cold-water rinsing. I soaked the burned-in lid of the casserole dish in tepid water with washing-up liquid.

“Then I started to load the washing machine with a basket of soiled whites.

“No, no, no, no no,” shouted the HHED.

“It’s not even eight o’clock yet! “ The cheapest time to put on a wash is between 10pm and 5am!”

“But”, I pointed out, teeth gritted, “I’m always in bed long before 10pm”. (Which, sadly, is true.) The HHED said he’d do it. He, of course, forgot all about it, not being in the habit of seeing after his own or anyone else’s dirty laundry.

“Doesn’t matter,” he sniffed the next evening when I pointed out omission after being caught trying to sneak in a whites wash before bed.

“We have to try not to use the washing machine between 4pm and 7pm AT ALL COSTS.”

“And avoid using cycles which have a water temperature of above 30 degrees, ” he added.

“A washing machine’s energy use can be cut in half by turning it to a 30-degree cycles in comparison to a 40 degree to 60 degree cycle.”

I felt a red flash at the side of one eye, then the other, and then, well, I just saw red.

“I’m really starting to get tired of this”, I shouted. “Everything’s going to be grimy!”

“You’ll be glad when the ESB bill comes,” he retorted.

“The ESB made nearly €360 in profit in the first six months of this year,” I shouted back and trudged upstairs for a shower.

“Keep it on eco, and keep it short!” the HHED yelled up the stairs after me.

“And go easy on the hairdryer. They’re desperate expensive to run.”

So, I thought, I either go to bed tonight with my hair wet, or I go to work tomorrow with water running down my back. And I can’t even put all the blame on Mad Vlad.

The price of fossil fuels on wholesale markets has shot up. Initially this was a result of Covid because the pandemic enforced an industry lockdown, dramatically reducing the demand for energy and severely disrupting supply chains.

Alas, though, when the world opened up again and started using far more energy again, the supplies didn’t match the demand so prices shot up.

And yes, Mad Vlad has had a role to play - the war in Ukraine has sent prices shooting up, and even though they dropped again since the start of the month, power companies only respond to the long-term picture and they’ve already locked-in contracts for months ahead – which is why they’re increasing their prices and the consumer is being screwed.

And let’s not forget, of course, that Russia supplies around 40% of Europe’s gas. Or that Mad Vlad is currently not a happy man. Not the kind of guy to display grace in defeat. Enough said.

“Have you turned off the shower and the hairdryer at the switches?” the HHED demanded when I came downstairs in my pyjamas.

“Maybe I’ll just go for a dip in the stream in future, and take the dirty saucepans and the laundry down with me,” I snarled.