Parents living in fear: Charity warns about child-to-parent domestic abuse

THE Cork CEO of an organisation dealing with child to parent violence issues opened up about how many of her service users are feeling petrified in their own homes.

Aileen Hickie, who heads Parentline, a national helpline offering support to parents facing abuse from their children, said the charity is taking between 500 and 600 calls monthly. Overwhelming demand for its services has forced it to open a waiting list for parents.

The Millstreet native said one in every three calls relates to child-to-parent violence. She reminded adults suffering in silence not to feel alone. Ms Hickie referenced every type of abuse, saying that callers have phoned about physical injuries and emotional damage.

“What this is doing is making parents feel fearful in their own homes,” said the former barrister.

“There is a misconception that domestic abuse only occurs between partners but this is not the case. Any type of abuse that occurs in the home would be considered a form of domestic violence.”

She said that child-to-parent violence can take many forms.

“There doesn’t have to be some 16-year-old throwing his mother up against the fridge every night to constitute abuse,” Aileen Hickie said.

“We have had people getting in touch with us very distressed after sustaining a black eye and broken bones. Parents have suffered broken noses. There have also been examples of damage to property including windows and televisions.

“However, the verbal and emotional abuse and coercion can also have a catastrophic effect. Parents feel powerless as a result of the behaviour being exhibited by their own child.

“There is often a huge sense of shame around what’s happening which is why it’s so important that parents have somebody they can talk to. This isn’t something they want to discuss at the school gates.

“There is also that protective element. They don’t want their child to be defined by or remembered for this.

“A lot of parents don’t realise just how many others are going through the same thing. For some parents, Parentline hasn’t been their first port of call. In some cases, families have had to call gardaí and there are already juvenile liaison officers involved.

“Two thirds of the children responsible for child-to-parent violence are boys who are generally between the ages of 12 and 18. However, we also deal with cases involving adults living in the family home. In the past, the number of fathers we had calling us with concerns amounted to less than 10%. That figure has now risen to 17%. Attitudes have also changed. At one stage fathers were ringing saying, ‘The wife wasn’t doing well with the children’, but this is no longer the case and thankfully attitudes have changed.”

Ms Hickie stressed that there is hope for parents.

“People are at their wits’ end and have lost confidence in their parenting. It’s also extremely difficult for siblings who are witnessing the aggressive behaviour.

“We never deal with the children but we do offer tools for parents to help them respond in these situations.

“By participating, parents can learn how to effectively respond in situations like these without adding fuel to the fire.

“In many cases this has reset the whole family dynamic and we are seeing very positive results from the programme.”

• Parentline.ie is available Monday to Thursday 10am to 9pm; Friday from 10am to 7pm.