There is a way back from drug addiction

THERE is a way back from addiction if you fight for it, is the message from former alcohol and drug addict Conor Flynn.

Conor, 43, began drinking and dabbling in drugs at the age of 10-11 and continued to use drugs until the age of 36.

“Tipp-ex, glue, petrol and nail varnish remover. Anything to get the high, numb feeling in the brain, taking you away from where you were at,” he said.

“A lot of my using came from escapism. Escaping from physical and mental abuse that occurred as a child outside the home. I didn’t know how to deal with pain and I was very angry growing up.”

Conor said his activities became more aggressive as he got older.

He moved from hash to cocaine, mushrooms, LSD, tablets, prescribed tablets and eventually onto crack cocaine and heroin.

It also led to crime.

“There was a lot of burglaries, a lot of joy riding, a lot of madness.

It was a big mad buzz,” he explained.

“I was constantly breaking and entering, stealing from people’s houses, I was a robber and a thief to feed my habit, I had to find money some way.” From 16, the Knocknaheeny native was in and out of prison.

He spent more than two decades in and out of prison ‘non-stop’, he said.

“The first time in prison, I thought I was the man. I was full of ego.

I felt I had to portray something different to fit into my society. I could never be myself.” He also spent time in St Stephen’s Psychiatric Hospital in Sarsfield Court.

“All that time, all I wanted was someone to listen to me and understand me, give me a hug, ask me if everything was alright and understand me. I never got that.

“My parents and my nan were there for me growing up, but it was gone too far. I was very dysfunctional and I was caught up in the madness.” He continued, “I was running from who I was. Now I know who I am what I am and what I want out of life, but at that time I didn’t understand back then and I didn’t have a clue what life was about back then.” “I always wanted to change, I just didn’t know how to. The pull to drink and use drugs was more attractive and I knew I would have to give up everything. It was safer to stay in my little bubble.” Crime and drug abuse had a damaging impact on all aspects of Conor’s life, he said.

At 22, he had a child. However, his addictions made it difficult to have a proper relationship with her.

“I didn’t even have a relationship with myself, never mind anyone else,” he said.

At the age of 24, Conor attempted to get clean at An Cuan centre in Dublin.

After spending two years there, he soon relapsed. Conor said he didn’t use the help available to him when he left the centre.

“I came out full of arrogance. I thought I had everything sorted, I never used any of the support that was on offer when I came out.I fell back into the old ways, I was on a relapse for 13 and a half years.” Conor described his life with an addiction as a ‘horrible existence.’

“It was so hard, I ended up homeless. I was on crack cocaine and heroin. I was homeless for two and a half years. I was in and out of prison, when I came out I was straight back into the same patterns.

“I was using for a long time. I overdosed once or twice.” Conor had a second child and again could not engage with her as he was so far into the spiral of addiction.

Weighing just eight stone and living in squats and under bridges, Conor was unrecognisable to who he is now and he had an epiphany moment.

“I was homeless, I was sick of living that way. I thought to myself ‘Conor you need to get your sh*t together or you are going to die.’ By the age of 35, Conor said he was ‘strung out to the backbone.’

“The best way to describe a craving is when a baby is crying for a bottle of milk. They have a routine, every couple of hours they need a bottle to relax, to calm down. It is the same thing. That’s what drugs were doing for me.

“I’d rob anybody, didn’t matter who it was, family, friends, it didn’t matter who I met along the way.

“I was near death. So lonely, isolated, vulnerable, hurt and angry and I knew the only way I could fix it was if I got off the stuff. I knew I could do it. I had to dig deep and do what I had to do.” Conor went to his ex-partner and asked if he would be allowed visitation rights if he got clean.

“I asked if I got my sh*t together could I see my daughter and she said yes. They thought I was destined to do what I was doing for the rest of my life or end up in a box.” He tried to go cold turkey himself in order to be admitted to a detox centre in Carlow called St Francis Farm.

“I went up for my assessment to St Francis Farm and they said the only way you can get in here is if you come off everything.” At the time Conor was on 110 ml of methadone as well as taking other drugs on top of that. St Francis told Conor if he got down to 50 mls they would take him, so he did.

“I made the decision there and then. I went off all my medication, went off all drugs.”

Conor ended up having seizures in his dad’s bath and was arrested.

“My body was so used to taking such high volumes of drugs and then suddenly it had nothing.” Afterwards, he was taken to an adult psychiatric unit in Shanakiel.

After a month, Conor came out of Carraig Mór and a few weeks later he went to St Francis farm.

“I went into their detox centre. It takes eight weeks to get down off 50 ml of methadone and then I did four months in the treatment part.” From there, Conor was housed by Cork Simon in a property on College Road. He became heavily involved in Narcotics Anonymous (NA).

Six years later, he is still clean.

“I’m heavily involved in Narcotics Anonymous, that is my saving grace.

“It was my only structure at the start. I had no friends, no one could trust me because I was very unpredictable. I went every single night for the first two years. It was a safe place. I was able to identify with people there and relate. When people were talking it felt like they were talking about me, but they were just telling their own story and I was identifying.

“You think to yourself if he went through that and he is two years sober, then I can do it too.

“It is a fellowship. We help each other to stay clean.” As well as attending Narcotics Anonymous, Conor began reeducating himself doing a number of courses.

“I did courses in woodwork, art, cooking, computers, horticulture, addiction, community development courses, parenting classes, I did a lot.” Education gave him exactly what he needed: structure and the opportunity to meet new people.

Reflecting on how things have gone, Conor knows how lucky he is.

“I should be dead, I should be in an asylum, in hospital or dead. I don’t know how I managed to stay alive.” The recovering addict said that he feels remorse and guilt for the things he did in his past, but he is in a good place now and he can deal with it.

“I was bringing hassle to my family’s door, I was putting my family in danger’s way. I never wanted that path. I have a lot of remorse and guilt about it now.” His family came back into his life and he is now spending time with his daughters. He has found new friends and has adopted a completely different outlook on life.

“If I am struggling now, I ask for help. I have no desire to cause anybody any harm anymore. I just want to get on with my life, I’m in a nice relationship now and the people in Knocknaheeny are proud of me and my family are proud of me.” While he hasn’t been able to repair all his relationships, he has accepted his past and is moving on.

“There is no more anger. I am able to talk about my feelings I got back my voice. My opinion matters.” Offering advice to anyone who might be struggling with an addiction, Conor said: “Stick around the right people who are doing the right things. Look at the people who are doing it right and stick with them.

“None of the things in my life would be possible without recovery, meetings, support. The meetings are key when you come out.”

For the past year and a half, Conor has been working in construction and recently finished working on the new courthouse.

“I was working on the courthouse, I was one of the last to leave and about 30 prison officers came in to view the building and I was there and they were like ‘Flynn, what are you doing here?’ “A couple of them were delighted to see me doing well.” Conor said he still likes to go out partying, but he just doesn’t take any substances.

“I still go out, partying, I do the same things I used to be doing with no drink and no drugs.

“I decided when I had to get clean, I said ‘Conor, there is so much to change about yourself, but don’t change who you are as a person.’”

In Day Two of our series on addiction, Roisin Speaks with Conor Flynn. Now clean for the past six years, his story offers hope to anyone who might be going through something similar.