Tips on how to be a good listener when someone is having a tough time
“Being a good listener has so many benefits. It allows you to really hear what someone is saying, to pick up on, perhaps, signs and signals that you may not have done.” iStockphoto
When someone is going through a tough time, it can be easy to jump straight into problem-solving mode, but sometimes taking a moment to pause and properly listen can be more beneficial.
Why is being a good listener important? What impact can it have?
“I think being a good listener has so many benefits,” says Capobianco. “It allows you to really hear what someone is saying, to pick up on, perhaps, signs and signals that you may not have done.”
It also helps build and strengthen connections with others.
“I think it is a wonderful way of building connection, connecting with people, and it really strengthens that, because if you’re a good listener, people love to talk to you because they know that you will listen, you will understand, you will give them time,” explains Capobianco.
Most importantly, the Samaritans charity believes that listening can save lives.
Why is listening - rather than giving advice - so important?
“You often give advice based on what you would do, what you would think, and that may not be appropriate for the person,” says Capobianco. “It’s much better to listen to the person and encourage them to make their own decisions. It’s much more powerful to say, what do you want to do? How are you feeling about it? Because that helps keeps that conversation going and will help them open up more.”
How can we show empathy without necessarily having experienced the same situation?
It’s easy to say ‘I know how you feel’ as a casual remark, but the truth is, we often don’t - because everyone is facing their own unique circumstances.
“Empathy is trying to understand how someone feels and putting yourself in their shoes,” sass Capobianco. “It’s not about trying to make someone feel better, which is hard, because naturally, especially if it’s a friend or family member, you want to make them feel better, to be okay. But I think empathy is about understanding that that may not be possible.
What role does body language play in being a good listener?
“Non-verbal things like body language are extremely important in face-to-face situations,” says Capobianco. “It’s all about the eye contact, the nodding, ensuring sure you are sitting quite openly. Try to be relaxed, not defensive with your arms, and avoid fidgeting or looking at your watch, as that gives the impression perhaps you’d rather be somewhere else.”
What are some key listening techniques that people often overlook?
The Samaritans use the SHUSH acronym to aid those looking to improve listening skills.
Have patience. Give the person space and time if they do choose to talk.
Use open questions, like how are you feeling? What’s going on?
Say it back. One of the really powerful things that demonstrates you’re listening, is to reflect things back to the person you’re talking to, using their language. For example, if someone says to you I really don’t know where things are going, you could say back, you can’t keep going like this.
Have courage. Never be afraid to ask someone if they’re all right.
“I think it’s really key you take time to reflect on the conversation you’ve had and you look after yourself,” advises Capobianco. “I think it’s important to remember you’re not responsible for that person or what they do and you can perhaps encourage them to seek professional help if you think that is appropriate.
See samaritans.org or call 116 123.
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