Cork man who set up local Féileacáin Fathers soccer team says group allows grieving dads to support each other 

In 2013, Mark Millard and his wife Jill were expecting their second child. They went for their normal check-up at 36 weeks and were told that the baby was “sluggish”.

After many tests, it was decided to carry out an emergency C-section. Their son, Isaac, looked perfect when he was born, but unfortunately he had a chromosome abnormality called Patau’s syndrome and had to be assisted to breathe in the neo-natal unit.

Isaac lived for two days, when Mark and Jill had to make the difficult decision to cut life support as they didn’t want their little boy to suffer.

He breathed for a few minutes on his own, but sadly died on April 6, 2013.

The experience had a lasting impact on Mark and Jill, and he is now Head of Operations and a volunteer for the charity Féileacáin, a non-profit organisation that provides support to anyone affected by the death of a baby during or after pregnancy.

Mark and Jill had never heard of Féileacáin (the Irish for ‘butterfly’) until the hospital gave them a ‘Cuddle Cot’ from the charity. This enabled them to keep Isaac near them, and it helped Isaac’s older brother Quin, his nan and aunties to meet him.

They had a memorial service in the CUMH, and on April 9, Isaac was buried in a cemetery in Little Island.

Mark said of that tragic time: “It was surreal, we were living in a protected bubble while we were in hospital but it was a different story when we came back out in to the real world. We had Isaac’s older brother Quin, who was then two, to look after and life had to go on.”

He went on to say that grieving is different for everyone and that his grieving process was totally different to his wife Jill’s.

In Mark’s experience, men and women can grieve quite differently.

“The man’s role is seen as the strong supporter and person who can fix everything,” he said.

At Isaac’s funeral, people told him “to stay strong”, and when people called to the house they might ask after Jill, but not him.

He realises all this was done with the best intentions, but that it was detrimental in the long run.

“The father’s perspective is sometimes lost,” said Mark. “We need to understand that men react differently and the ‘stay strong’ attitude does not work.”

Amid his grief, he found he could barely do jobs like cut the grass or clean the house, but he kept busy.

However, he didn’t and couldn’t talk about his feelings and bottled everything up.

Jill, on the other hand, curled up on the couch for a year and their grieving process was noticeably different.

“We went to a Féileacáin support meeting, which is facilitated by parents who are also bereaved,” said Mark. “Jill got so much out of it and it really helped her. However, I didn’t get it, I felt it wasn’t for me.

“Even though it wasn’t formal, I couldn’t open up, not that there’s any right way of saying things, but I didn’t know what was right or wrong to say.

“I had no coping mechanism and bottled everything up.”

Eventually, three years after Isaac died, things came to a head for Mark.

“Of course, as a result I hit a wall in 2016 and had a breakdown because I hadn’t grieved properly.”

Mark got one to one counselling after this, which really helped him.

“Initially, I was on a different grieving page to Jill, but the more I had counselling, the more I opened up and it helped us have conversations about our grief of losing Isaac.”

He still continues to attend a counsellor to this day.

Mark got involved in helping with events for Féileacáin. This increased in time and he is currently director of operations for the charity, and his wife Jill runs a pregnancy after loss support group.

He said: “We were lucky enough to have three more children - Edie, Esme and Albie. Getting pregnant again after losing a baby can be harrowing at times because you are in the horrors that it will happen again, so Jill’s support group helps people during this time”.

As a result of the tendency for fathers grieving differently, Mark wanted to create a safe, informal space for them to let down their guard and talk - and what better way to do it than through sport? He set up the Cork Féileacáin Fathers Soccer team in March 2023, after the success of a similar team in Dublin.

“We meet once a month in the District Health and Leisure Club on the Lower Glanmire Road,” he said. “There are 29 fathers now joined and it is growing in numbers.

“We have a WhatsApp group, which is not just about sport, but about sharing pictures, birthdays and anniversaries of our babies that we have lost.”

Mark said he finds it easier to talk to other fathers who have been bereaved as they can understand where he is coming from.

It’s not just football either, afterwards they bring flasks and have a cuppa and a chat for about an hour.

Féileacáin Fathers provides a safe space and a community where they can check in with and support each other.

A new group started in Kerry at the beginning of December. Mark is also hoping to start another group in Limerick in the new year.

Féileacáin eventually hopes to have a support group in each county.

Earlier this year, the Cork Féilecáin Fathers team united with the Dublin team and travelled to Northampton in England, where they played a team from Sands UK (the English equivalent of the Féileacáin charity). The Irish team won 6-1.

They have invited the English team to visit them in Ireland next year to play another game.

Mark is also looking at setting up a siblings’ team, as the children in the families are deeply affected by their bereavement and need similar support to the adults.

Sadly, their numbers are always increasing, but Féileacáin Fathers provides a safe space where men can be supported through their grief.

They can be contacted on 085-2496464 or 028-51301, and by emailing admin@feileacain.ie.