How to cope with setbacks

Disappointment has a way of seeping into our lives from time to time - whether it’s a first date that falls short, missing out on a new job, or a heart-breaking hurling match.

These situations can often fuel feelings of upset and resentment, and sometimes even anger towards other people or ourselves.

“Experiencing disappointment has been linked to increased cortisol levels, related to stress response in the body,” says Rachael Adams, psychotherapist and therapeutic coach at ARVRA wellness. 

“It has also been evidenced to increase norepinephrine levels, which contribute to feelings of anxiety and stress.”

While it’s not possible to go through life avoiding disappointment altogether, we can do things to help us cope with it...

Acknowledge your feelings: “Like with all emotions, feeling upset, frustrated or angry at an outcome is valid, and it is helpful to acknowledge the feelings it brings up,” says Adams. “Notice and acknowledge how you are feeling, challenge and reframe negative thoughts associated with the disappointment.

How we feel has a huge impact on our thoughts, so shifting from concrete statements to something more balanced can help.

Dr Chris Hartley, sports psychologist at Insure4Sport, agrees, and encourages people who are feeling disappointed to ride out the wave of these emotions.

“Accept you are human and need to process the experience,” says Hartley. “A practical thing to do is to identify the times when you need to be resilient and perform (e.g. work, or social interactions), and the downtimes when there is no need to perform, and you can instead be in a low-demand environment.

These downtimes are vitally important, so that you can feel safe, switch your brain off, and simply process the experience.

Reflect and reframe: Once you’ve let yourself feel the disappointment, it’s easier to start moving on.

“Turn the negatives into a positive,” suggests Lynn Crilly, wellbeing expert and counsellor. 

Think about what you have learnt from it, how you could change the way you look at it, and what you can do differently next time. Surround yourself with good people and positive thinking and try not to let it linger.

Look after your needs: When we feel low, we often neglect our basic needs in the process, so make sure you eat and sleep properly.

“Take care of yourself, as disappointment can cause stress and prevent sleep,” says Crilly. 

If you don’t look after yourself it can make the negative emotions harder to cope with.

“Make sure you get out, get some fresh air and a little bit of exercise - even if it is just a walk. Try and eat a healthy diet and go to bed and wake up at a regular time.”

Write down your feelings: Putting pen to paper could release uncomfortable emotions.

“It can be useful to write your feelings down,” adds Crilly. “Sometimes writing it down can disassociate yourself from those feelings, and prevent a molehill from becoming a mountain inside your head.”

Talk to others: Don’t isolate yourself. Stay connected and share your feelings with people you trust.

“If you are struggling to move through it, talk to others,” recommends Adams. “Sharing how you feel can be incredibly helpful and if you don’t have safe people to speak with, reach out to a qualified therapist for ongoing support to build resilience and coping strategies.”

Give yourself some advice from the future: Hartley says: “Think about what your older, wiser self (or a loved one) would say about how you navigated this hardship in the future - perhaps 10, 20, or even 50 years from now. 

Would they say that, despite setbacks, you had the determination to never give up? That you were kind and compassionate even in the face of adversity?

"This can be a powerful way to help you understand what kind of person you want to be, and the choices you can make now to get there.”