Your dilemmas: My husband's ex-girlfriend is texting him and wants to meet up

In her weekly column, JOAN LONG, a Bishopstown psychologist and psychotherapist, answers readers’ queries
Your dilemmas: My husband's ex-girlfriend is texting him and wants to meet up
"They’ve now exchanged phone numbers and she is texting him regularly."

Dear Joan,

I have been married for 12 years and we have three children. We have always had a very honest, trusting relationship and from day one we promised each other we would always maintain good communication, no matter how difficult it might feel.

This has always worked for us and we have had a really good marriage so far. My problem is one of my husband’s ex-girlfriends recently moved back to this area. She moved away years ago for work reasons and that caused her relationship with my husband to end. He has spoken of her many times and it feels like they were very much in love when they were together.

Last week, he told me she had contacted him through Facebook and wanted to meet him for a coffee to catch up. He seemed very happy about this and asked me if it was OK. I didn’t want to come across as insecure or jealous, so I said it was fine. I am now having second thoughts about this.

They’ve now exchanged phone numbers and she is texting him regularly. I know I should be able to trust my husband but I have noticed a change in him. When he gets a text he leaves the room to read it and I feel that there may be something going on.

I don’t know how to tell him that I feel uncomfortable with him meeting her again and I don’t want him to feel I am preventing him from doing what he wants. But at this point, I am starting to imagine all kinds of things and I feel if I don’t say something, I will end up not trusting him anymore. Can you offer some advice?

Dear Reader,

I can totally understand your feelings of discomfort regarding this situation. It sounds like you and your husband are honest and clear with each other and it seems you are afraid of his reaction to you feeling insecure about his reconnecting to this lady.

Reader, you have every right to question this new situation as it involves an ex-partner your husband was in love with. You and your husband made a promise to maintain honest and open communication from the start of your marriage and that is exactly what is needed now.

You need to tell him how you feel, and he needs to understand why you feel this way.

It is very normal to have difficulty with a spouse reconnecting with an ex-partner and, in my opinion, your husband needs to question his own reasons for doing so. He must understand you would have difficulties with this, as I’m sure he would have if the shoe were on the other foot. It may be a very innocent and genuine situation, but I would also question her reasons for wanting to reconnect with your husband if she knows he is married with a family.

Either way, you need to speak to him and make it very clear you have issues with him meeting her again. Otherwise, your imagination will tell you all kinds of things are happening and that will hold absolutely no benefit for you or your family.

Be honest with him and expect the same level of honesty from him. I wish you all the very best.

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