8 effective ways to discipline your child without smacking
Children need to understand why they shouldn't misbehave and parents need to explain this to them gently.
"Hitting or hurting a child physically or emotionally is never OK and parents need access to help, support and information about how to keep calm and parent positively."
So said Matt Buttery, chief executive of the Triple P UK and Ireland parenting program.
“When it comes to managing challenging situations, having positive strategies to help in stressful situations is vital.
“There are lots of practical ways to sort out unwanted behaviour using reasoning and simple consequences instead of smacking. These are not quick-fix alternatives – all these ideas take more time and effort, but they have lots of benefits.”
So, how can you discipline a child effectively without slapping them?
It’s not easy, of course, but reacting when your emotions are heightened or when your child is misbehaving, can be a time when parents lash out. “Avoid making rash decisions when you’re angry,” warns Joanna Barrett, associate head of policy at the NSPCC.
And Matt Buttery, chief executive of the Triple P UK and Ireland parenting program adds: “Before reacting, ask yourself what’s behind your child’s mood or behaviour, and try to solve that problem.”
Children need to understand why they shouldn’t misbehave, and parents need to explain this to them gently – and not during a flashpoint, but well before. Barrett says: “Talk to your child about the rewards and consequences of their behaviour, and do it before, rather than after.”
As well as talking to your child about their behaviour, it’s important parents listen properly to them too, to try to understand how they’re feeling and why they’re behaving in a certain way. “Take time to really listen to what your child is saying, and explain to them what you’re feeling,” advises Barrett.
Buttery says children are still learning how to communicate their needs and feelings, and explains: “Everything they do or say is a communication, whether that’s joy, satisfaction, anger or disappointment.”
Children learn from their parents, so make sure they see you behaving in the right way yourself. “Be a role model and don’t do things that you wouldn’t want your children to do,” warns Barrett.
Buttery says: “Children learn by copying what their parents do – they’ll learn to be kind and gentle when that’s what they see. When children are smacked for poor behaviour but told things like ‘no fighting’ or ‘be kind’, they’ll be confused and will copy their parents’ actions, not their words.
“It can be hard for children to sort out what parents mean when actions don’t match words.”
Sometimes, parents can forget to praise good behaviour, especially when it’s only for little things like keeping quiet when you need them to, or sharing their toys. But Barrett stresses it’s important to “praise children whenever possible for all they do”.
And Buttery stresses: “In the long-term, it works much better to praise and encourage your child’s good behaviour than it does to punish the things you don’t want. Simply spending time with your child doing things you both enjoy has been shown to help children behave better.
“Praise and support takes more time and works a bit more slowly, but they’re much more fun, and build the loving relationships parents want.”
As well as praise, rewarding good behaviour will encourage children to repeat the behaviour in future. “Reward positive behaviour, and consider asking what would be a good reward,” suggests Barrett.
It’s unrealistic to expect your child to behave perfectly all the time, says Buttery. “Misbehaviour or a lack of cooperation is only a problem if it starts to occur often and is frequent enough to raise stresses in the family or get in the way of positive relationships. Acting quickly before problems escalate, and focusing attention on positive behaviour, will make a big difference.
“Your goal as a parent is to support your child to be as independent as befits their age and stage, and start to make decisions for themselves as early as possible, rather than to be in charge of everything yourself.”
Being consistent yourself – even when you feel tired or annoyed – helps your child feel secure and that their world is predictable, says Buttery. “This means they’re more likely to abide by house rules and understand expectations when it comes to their behaviour.”
App?
