A parent's dilemma: How much freedom to give your children

AS my eldest gets ever older and she pushes the notion of freedom with me more and more, I find myself giving more thought to certain aspects of how I parent. You have to, don’t you - parenting toddlers is vastly different to parenting preteens.

Being an eldest child myself, I should probably have some deeper degree of empathy with my eldest, having blazed the same trail she now blazes when I was younger.

When you become a parent, though, everything you did in your former life becomes abstract and you become detached from the version of yourself that stayed out all night, drank too much alcohol, or drove your parents demented with your first boyfriend.

I parent with the righteous attitude of a woman who never put a step wrong!

I don’t think I have ever sat down and thought through what type of a parent I want to be, but loosely I know I want to emulate the type of upbringing that my parents gave me.

I often hear myself saying things to the girls and I’m struck by how alike my own mother I sound. My parents gave me what I now consider a good degree of freedom, however, I’m sure, back when I was younger, I would argue that point - but like I said, I’m virtually disconnected from that version of myself.

Freedom is so important for children. I know that, I understand why, but I often struggle with knowing how much freedom to give.

There are many parenting decisions that I take in my stride, but freedom has long since been one I struggle to gauge.

I want to give the girls freedom because it gives them the opportunity to assess risk by themselves. How will they ever be able to assess risk as an adult if I don’t give them the freedom to assess it as children? How will they be able to think independently for themselves if they get no space from me when they are children to do so? How will they solve arguments as adults if I am constantly around them and constantly interfering to smooth out differences?

Like I said, I understand the benefits logically, but my gut often pulls me in another direction, and that direction is cautious.

The world has changed in many ways that influences our parenting styles and approach. While we might want to give our children the same upbringing we got ourselves, that sometimes needs to evolve to adapt to a changing world. It could be the constant exposure to the news – on radio, TV and online - that makes us hyper-aware of how much inherent danger there is in the world.

The previous generation were privy to less media intrusion in their lives, so they were, to a certain degree, blissfully unaware of some of the dangers that existed. The world was perceived to be a safe place but in time we have come to discover that in fact the version of our youth we thought was safe wasn’t exactly that for many growing up. That too has shaped how this generation feel about the world. Without that impending feeling of danger, it meant that when I was younger I was given a huge amount of freedom to cycle off with friends for the day, exploring and climbing trees. I spent the day away from home, no mobiles phone to locate me, just the fire of hunger in my belly the only thing dictating the return to home.

There are other dangers that exist now that didn’t back then, more cars on the road, more crime because of drugs, among lots of other things that all add to the cacophony of worry that circulates my head on a daily basis.

And I think I’d need a lot more column inches to delve into the added worry we now have of granting freedom to children in an online world.

If I’m honest, I find trusting my gut tricky on this one, so I often turn to friends who have slightly older children to get an idea of whether I’m being too strict or not with how much freedom I give.

It’s important to be able to ask for help in parenting, it’s a sign of inherent strength, I believe, to do so when you can’t find the right answer from within. We will still take what we want from the guidance we get and use whatever fits with our gut, but it’s often a worthy guide. I don’t want my daughter to feel isolated or left out simply because I worry (too much!?).

So, while my instinct is to tell them not to climb too high in case they fall, or to keep them close to home, I have to learn to move with the girls so they get to experience the fullness of life, despite my desire to keep them safe in my little cocoon. But it’s a tricky one to make peace with sometimes.